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[Music]

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[Music]

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[Applause]

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[Music]

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[Applause]

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Oh getting chills looking looking

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looking thank you guys so much for

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packing out this place tonight and I

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know how the question has already been

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asked why did Gabriel decide to shoot

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his new special in Hawaii the question

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should be what took him so long

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so the one thing I want to definitely

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make sure that happens here tonight is

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that I'm gonna make sure that not only

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the people in the room here tonight that

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are not natives of Hawaii but the people

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around the world find out things about

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Hawaii you never need first things first

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the proper pronunciation is Hawaii

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just so the world gets to hear it right

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at least once and believe me I

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understand exactly how you feel

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I totally get it for me it's not Mexico

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it's Mexico I want you

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whenever people come to the island you

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know there's certain things people like

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to do aside from the surfing or you know

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the hiking or the you know the

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traditional things people always see the

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the movies and the one thing that always

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stands out is the luau people always see

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the law you always see the guy with the

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fire you know he comes out and he makes

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a stance on you

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and I'm sitting but that looks cool I

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want to let you guys know how you can

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tell if you're about to have a real

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genuine experience versus some of the

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more diluted things that have happened

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here on the island let me explain if

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you're gonna go for a luau make sure you

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do some research okay don't just go to

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Amy Lua I'm gonna tell you how you can

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tell if you're on a bad line there's

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always a bus involved that takes you

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from the hotel to the luau that's a

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given

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when you get on the bus there's a driver

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and there's always the person that's the

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host if the host gets on the bus and you

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hear this welcome aboard the King

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Kamehameha luau

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experience

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my name is Reagan I am NOT a native of

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Hawaii I'm actually from Oregon but I

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have been living here now for three

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weeks and you only need a few days and

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you're basically a native we're gonna

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have such a great time it's gonna take

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us exactly 35 minutes to get from here

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to our destination I've timed it all

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week don't even worry about it this is

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our driver his name is taka taka has

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been here on the island for over 75

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years he is so hardcore he has taking a

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liking to me he says I remind him of his

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daughter he's so sweet he calls me his

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little punani he

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[Applause]

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so I have gone online to do some

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research to find out the type of

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conditions we're gonna have today and

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there is a slight chance of rain excuse

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me yes sir what happens if it rains you

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have nothing to worry about I took the

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liberty of stopping off in an ABC store

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and purchasing some umbrellas and some

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Poncho's so we're covered scuse me

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yes sir are we gonna stop somewhere to

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get something to eat maybe or get some

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some film absolutely you have nothing to

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worry about it's gonna be the best time

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ever stay away from that door this is

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how you know when you're on a real low

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experience the driver you know is there

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the bus and then the guy gets on and you

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hear this

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[Music]

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all right everybody I'd like to welcome

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your bodies we're going to Jermaine's

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luau okay my name is Reno you could call

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me cousin Reno

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I know but don't worry I'm not your real

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cousin so don't ask for money right yeah

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anyway we're gonna have a really good

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time today it's gonna be a great day

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here on the island it's going to be

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beautiful excuse me yes sir how long is

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it gonna take for us to get to the luau

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actually brother he's good we're going

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to get there Hawaiian time

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what is Hawaiian time mean it means we

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get that when we get there

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pardon me I have another question yes up

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I understand it's gonna rain today what

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happens if it rains ha oh you're gonna

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get wet

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scuse me scuse me yeah are we gonna stop

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store to get something to eat or get

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some film hey Syd Alma hole

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are you talking to me hey Mary I'm

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talking you abroad I said oh if for the

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rest of the bus is wondering what MA who

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is it means he really likes coconuts

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yeah

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first things first the best luau to go

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on and they don't pay me to tell you

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this I've been coming to the island for

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ten years but my favorite place to visit

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is Jermaine's lo if you ever get a

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chance they don't pay me to tell you

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that and for the record there is such a

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person as cousin Rina that's my man here

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in the front row stand up front up the

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man the myth the legend Thank You Man

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thank you what time and many you know

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coming here year after year and talking

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to people certain words I've picked up

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certain things I've learned I finally

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figured out what shoots means anyone

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that gets to come here to the island

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you'll hear people saying that shoots

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and I found it it means yes because

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Mexicans we have our own slang words to

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have you heard me which is a term of

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excitement it's also it's like shoots

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means yes but you shouldn't heard the

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conversation I had this guy was trying

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to explain it to me I go I keep hearing

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people say shoots what's going on ok

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brother let me break it down for you

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alright shoots is is like saying yes oh

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ok cool alright so let me see um so if

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somebody says you want to go to the

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store and I say shoes Roger that

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Roger dat

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what does that mean it means yes

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so shoots means yes and Roger that means

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yes Roger that

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how would you mean is there one that you

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use for one thing versus one that used

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for another can you give me an example

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no problem brother check it out

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somebody tell me a bra you want to go

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get a drink shoots hey bra you won't go

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to tee ball Roger dad

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I got it I got it I got it I got it I

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figured it out and by the way for all

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the people here on the island tonight

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that are not native who are extremely

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light complected basic for the white

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people um I just want to let you know

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when you're here in Hawaii if you hear

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this word haole

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they're talking about you

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[Applause]

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Howley is the word to describe white

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people and it's not derogatory I've

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asked questions and it's not it's just

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that you know and that's one guy's weird

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it haole come from you know one guy said

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well bro I think many years ago so why

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people come here right they got drunk

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and they start yelling you say somebody

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need to take down that Holly right there

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it's stuck

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trying to figure out how they alright

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but anyways you guys we've been

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traveling so many places we've probably

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been in about 14 countries in the last

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two months

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we're like herpes we go everywhere twice

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a year anyway I know right you guys are

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so close by like a vice slip that's it

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his show was in 3d but it hurt terrible

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so I'm gonna tell you when we first

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kicked off our world tour we started in

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we started in Singapore and for me that

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kind of threw me off because just to let

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you guys know they do speak English in

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Singapore it's actually the number one

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language spoken and I didn't know that

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and some people are like well why would

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you go to Singapore to perform if he

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didn't know whether or not they

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understood you because the check was fat

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[Applause]

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and I'm a little whore

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[Applause]

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so yeah the only thing was Singapore is

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that Singapore the rules over there are

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very strict like many years ago an

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American went over there and he was

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graffiti on a wall okay he tagged up a

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wall and they got him and they don't

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give out tickets in Singapore the

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penalty for that was they pulled him

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aside took off his shirt and they came

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to him with a stick and there's no set

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number like oh your graffiti a wall with

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two letters that's four licks no the guy

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hits you until he feels you've learned a

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lesson

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yeah that's hardcore if you're caught

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smuggling drugs into Singapore the

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penalty is death which makes somebody

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like myself nervous when you travel with

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the people that you travel with

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forget mom

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and you know it's crazy because they

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play a video when you're going through

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customs as you're going through customs

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they play a video to let you know where

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you're about to go into and it starts

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off really nice

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it starts off sweet it's like noon

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welcome to Singapore Singapore very

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beautiful country very nice a country

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very clean the country if you're caught

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of smuggling drugs into our country over

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you PM you are doing Gangnam style

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and kill you

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enjoy singapore from singapore we got to

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go up to London England to do some shows

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and it was pretty cool over there

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obviously they spoke English the only

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issues that I had in London England or

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that over there they drive on the

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opposite side of the street and that is

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very you know that's that's kind of

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challenging for tourists because when

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you're crossing a street you're

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automatically conditioned to come out

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look left look right look left again and

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then you cross and so when you're there

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you have to retrain yourself because

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you'll come out and you think you're

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cool

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look there's no cars coming let's go

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every other block is like the movie

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final destination you don't I mean and

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over there they got double-decker buses

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those suckers are heavy you get hit by

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one of those at 30 miles an hour at

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least if you get hit by a bus here on

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the island you have so much of a chance

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first of all nobody's in a hurry you can

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hit by a bus here hey brah walk it off

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you okay shoot all right

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[Applause]

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I've been to the news station here I've

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been on the news many times and they're

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always people always step off the curb

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they're not paying attention they're

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looking at the buildings or they're

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taking pictures and you know her you

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know and they report them you know a man

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was struck by a bus here today his leg

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was broken

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doctors say he will be okay London

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England getting hit by a double-decker

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00:16:35,058 --> 00:16:43,490
bus going 30 a man exploded today when

274
00:16:40,278 --> 00:16:45,960
he was struck by a double-decker bus we

275
00:16:43,490 --> 00:16:49,149
have video footage

276
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,149
[Music]

277
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:04,568
some of the places were planning on

278
00:17:02,409 --> 00:17:05,859
performing this next year we're talking

279
00:17:04,568 --> 00:17:07,959
about going to Germany we're talking

280
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:09,490
about going to Bulgaria and India

281
00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:11,439
India's on the list of new places we're

282
00:17:09,490 --> 00:17:12,818
gonna visit and I'm excited about India

283
00:17:11,439 --> 00:17:13,959
you know and I was telling people in

284
00:17:12,818 --> 00:17:15,849
England that we're going to Inge you

285
00:17:13,959 --> 00:17:17,828
know to India I had Indian people

286
00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:19,058
telling me hello there that's gonna be

287
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,980
amazing when you go there you can enjoy

288
00:17:19,058 --> 00:17:22,568
it you're gonna love it it's amazing and

289
00:17:20,980 --> 00:17:24,308
I just stare and the guy goes why are

290
00:17:22,568 --> 00:17:27,789
you staring I go cause your voice

291
00:17:24,308 --> 00:17:30,819
doesn't match oh you think we all sound

292
00:17:27,789 --> 00:17:38,889
like I'm sorry I live in America Indians

293
00:17:30,819 --> 00:17:41,230
over there keep it real yeah and I have

294
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:42,580
nothing but love and respect for Indian

295
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:42,910
people I'm gonna tell you something

296
00:17:42,579 --> 00:17:45,579
right now

297
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:48,279
Indian people in the United States are

298
00:17:45,579 --> 00:17:49,720
the hardest-working people I have ever

299
00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:55,089
seen and that's coming from a Mexican

300
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:58,000
okay and I'll tell you why I say this

301
00:17:55,089 --> 00:18:00,069
you will never see an Indian person with

302
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,230
a sign that says will work for food in

303
00:18:00,069 --> 00:18:04,269
the United States and you will never see

304
00:18:02,230 --> 00:18:06,549
an Indian person committing a crazy

305
00:18:04,269 --> 00:18:08,789
crime like when was the last time you

306
00:18:06,549 --> 00:18:11,519
heard of Indians robbing a bank

307
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:13,990
but everybody huh I can't remember bro

308
00:18:11,519 --> 00:18:16,000
because it doesn't happen first of all

309
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:18,460
Indian people are so nice and they're so

310
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:19,960
sweet and I can't see it you know you're

311
00:18:18,460 --> 00:18:21,460
gonna rob a bank you need Authority you

312
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:25,240
need to come in there guns blazing I

313
00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:27,940
said get your ass on the ground yeah I

314
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:29,970
can't imagine would you please take the

315
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:32,570
money

316
00:18:29,970 --> 00:18:37,789
[Applause]

317
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:40,678
I am talking to you forget this I might

318
00:18:37,789 --> 00:18:44,349
appear I don't need this

319
00:18:40,679 --> 00:18:46,649
he gets in the car his partner is

320
00:18:44,349 --> 00:18:51,219
waiting for him did you get the money

321
00:18:46,648 --> 00:18:55,658
they would not give me the money did you

322
00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:57,190
show them the gun I shot we better leave

323
00:18:55,659 --> 00:19:00,970
they're going to call the police they're

324
00:18:57,190 --> 00:19:05,730
still laughing what did you get the

325
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:05,730
computer they thought I was take support

326
00:19:16,410 --> 00:19:20,500
there's too much fun man all these

327
00:19:19,029 --> 00:19:22,599
different countries all these different

328
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,460
places we've been going and honestly you

329
00:19:22,599 --> 00:19:26,199
guys it's not possible without the love

330
00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:28,058
and the support of my family they made

331
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,460
that possible cuz I can't just go take

332
00:19:28,058 --> 00:19:32,918
off you know you really seriously you

333
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:35,019
know she's gonna leave it takes a strong

334
00:19:32,919 --> 00:19:36,280
woman first of all to put up with me and

335
00:19:35,019 --> 00:19:37,929
that's naughty oh you're gonna go travel

336
00:19:36,279 --> 00:19:40,569
the world with this crazy guy named my

337
00:19:37,929 --> 00:19:45,309
tepee who's got tattoos and issues have

338
00:19:40,569 --> 00:19:46,509
fun oh it's not easy you guys like I

339
00:19:45,308 --> 00:19:48,339
said it takes a lot of love and support

340
00:19:46,509 --> 00:19:50,950
from my family and right now it's a

341
00:19:48,339 --> 00:19:52,569
crazy time because my son is 15 okay

342
00:19:50,950 --> 00:19:54,548
some of you know I have a son from my

343
00:19:52,569 --> 00:19:56,950
last special I talked about how I became

344
00:19:54,548 --> 00:19:59,048
a dad and um because he's technically my

345
00:19:56,950 --> 00:20:00,460
stepson and the only reason I'm saying

346
00:19:59,048 --> 00:20:02,798
that is because he's been in my life for

347
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:04,058
eight years and he's 15 so I don't want

348
00:20:02,798 --> 00:20:06,158
you to look at me and the math is all

349
00:20:04,058 --> 00:20:09,099
wrong and you're like he's get out I'm

350
00:20:06,159 --> 00:20:10,929
not getting I just hooked up with a

351
00:20:09,099 --> 00:20:12,579
beautiful woman who had a pre started

352
00:20:10,929 --> 00:20:14,590
family which is why the math is off

353
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:20,199
basically I took over Alise is what

354
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:22,298
happened and everything's been going

355
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:24,159
great but when he turned 15 it started

356
00:20:22,298 --> 00:20:25,808
changing like he no longer talks to me

357
00:20:24,159 --> 00:20:27,309
which is crazy not to say that he

358
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:29,168
doesn't see meaning not he just doesn't

359
00:20:27,308 --> 00:20:30,668
talk and I thought it was personal and

360
00:20:29,169 --> 00:20:32,919
his mom is like no he's going through a

361
00:20:30,669 --> 00:20:37,059
face like he doesn't speak he makes

362
00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:41,530
sounds Frankie how's your day did you

363
00:20:37,058 --> 00:20:43,359
take out the trash Wow

364
00:20:41,529 --> 00:20:44,589
like the only person he talks to is at

365
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,449
the other end of his phone cuz that's

366
00:20:44,589 --> 00:20:48,428
all he does all day just text text text

367
00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:50,650
text and it's funny because he's always

368
00:20:48,429 --> 00:20:52,690
like this texting and when he walks

369
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:54,340
around he takes little steps so that in

370
00:20:52,690 --> 00:20:55,929
case he bumps into something it doesn't

371
00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:58,649
hurt like he's thick like a little

372
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,650
vacuum you know yeah

373
00:21:01,019 --> 00:21:08,200
and when he's taking these little steps

374
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:12,789
he makes these sounds and his tongue

375
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:15,360
comes out half way it looks freaky like

376
00:21:12,789 --> 00:21:19,599
he's trying to text with it

377
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:21,069
and asked his mom is he okay he's going

378
00:21:19,599 --> 00:21:23,139
through a phase and I could totally

379
00:21:21,069 --> 00:21:24,849
understand my son standing in the corner

380
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:26,650
for 15 minutes at his time with his

381
00:21:24,849 --> 00:21:30,939
tongue out making noises if he was a

382
00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:32,320
special circumstance but he's not okay

383
00:21:30,940 --> 00:21:34,330
if he was I'd hug him and love him the

384
00:21:32,319 --> 00:21:37,000
same but he's not he's a straight-a

385
00:21:34,329 --> 00:21:39,039
student in his school he's at the top of

386
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:43,359
the list in his class as one of the

387
00:21:39,039 --> 00:21:47,259
smartest kids and it's no no no you know

388
00:21:43,359 --> 00:21:56,859
why you know why because on paper it

389
00:21:47,259 --> 00:21:59,579
says he's a genius but at home it

390
00:21:56,859 --> 00:21:59,579
doesn't match

391
00:22:05,109 --> 00:22:09,159
and don't get me wrong you guys I

392
00:22:06,970 --> 00:22:11,019
believe that good grades are important

393
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,400
okay but you would think with all the

394
00:22:11,019 --> 00:22:14,079
different classes that they offer in

395
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:21,910
school how come they don't have a class

396
00:22:14,079 --> 00:22:24,399
called common sense here I mean make it

397
00:22:21,910 --> 00:22:26,710
the easiest class they have ever taken

398
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:29,320
make it so easy that it's the exact same

399
00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:32,110
class every single day they don't pay

400
00:22:29,319 --> 00:22:34,029
attention anyway make it the same hello

401
00:22:32,109 --> 00:22:42,929
class welcome to common sense

402
00:22:34,029 --> 00:22:47,710
let us begin up-down left-right hot/cold

403
00:22:42,930 --> 00:22:51,370
take a shower take a shower take a

404
00:22:47,710 --> 00:22:53,680
shower I don't know what happened when

405
00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:57,129
he turned 15 he forgot how to play with

406
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:59,470
water oh my god it for me you guys smell

407
00:22:57,130 --> 00:23:01,000
is so important it is so important you

408
00:22:59,470 --> 00:23:01,569
know how many people I meet every single

409
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,640
year

410
00:23:01,569 --> 00:23:05,859
I am so self-conscious I don't want

411
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,600
anyone to smell me that I meet and all

412
00:23:05,859 --> 00:23:10,079
of a sudden have them say fluffy smell

413
00:23:07,599 --> 00:23:10,079
like ass

414
00:23:11,250 --> 00:23:16,529
I know a big guy that's why I do double

415
00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:18,359
the maintenance twice the showers twice

416
00:23:16,529 --> 00:23:21,149
a cologne twice the deodorant twice the

417
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:25,859
powder if I fart right now this whole

418
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:28,250
area will smell like cinnamon that's how

419
00:23:25,859 --> 00:23:28,250
I roll

420
00:23:29,390 --> 00:23:34,350
you guys are we looking at each other is

421
00:23:31,650 --> 00:23:38,600
that cinnamon Camilla Cannella

422
00:23:34,349 --> 00:23:38,599
he smells like a Molotov ah yes

423
00:23:44,789 --> 00:23:50,109
what's a malasadas it's a ball of dough

424
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:56,110
with good stuff in it wrapped in

425
00:23:50,109 --> 00:23:57,819
cinnamon tastes delicious anyway like I

426
00:23:56,109 --> 00:23:59,889
said you guys for me smell is so

427
00:23:57,819 --> 00:24:02,139
important you know and the fact that my

428
00:23:59,890 --> 00:24:05,520
son at fifteen now is his you know he's

429
00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:08,020
his body's becoming an adult even though

430
00:24:05,519 --> 00:24:09,670
you know and I try to tell him and he

431
00:24:08,019 --> 00:24:13,569
always forgets and blah blah blah and it

432
00:24:09,670 --> 00:24:15,340
wasn't until his PE teacher called us up

433
00:24:13,569 --> 00:24:17,409
and told us that what he was doing is

434
00:24:15,339 --> 00:24:19,299
he's leaving his PE shirt in the locker

435
00:24:17,410 --> 00:24:21,160
over the weekend instead of bringing it

436
00:24:19,299 --> 00:24:23,619
home to wash and so that shirt just

437
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:25,269
Broyles and simmers and those kids uses

438
00:24:23,619 --> 00:24:27,069
and then on Monday when he puts it on

439
00:24:25,269 --> 00:24:32,829
it's all hard and yellow and just you

440
00:24:27,069 --> 00:24:35,200
know nasty and they told us your son is

441
00:24:32,829 --> 00:24:36,730
smelly and I'm like oh hell no I took

442
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:38,559
his ass to the store and I bought him a

443
00:24:36,730 --> 00:24:40,180
10 pack of that right guard gel with a

444
00:24:38,559 --> 00:24:45,399
little click on the bottle and I shut up

445
00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:47,140
Frankie look look look look look every

446
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,269
day twice a day that's what you got to

447
00:24:47,140 --> 00:24:51,720
do and every day it's an issue did you

448
00:24:49,269 --> 00:24:51,720
put on deodorant

449
00:24:52,150 --> 00:24:55,810
I went back to the store and I bought

450
00:24:54,039 --> 00:24:57,639
ten more and I came back to the house

451
00:24:55,809 --> 00:24:59,799
and I started strategically placing them

452
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,120
all over the house one in the front door

453
00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:02,529
one at the back door one in the hallway

454
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,099
one in the kitchen so no matter where

455
00:25:02,529 --> 00:25:07,089
he's at

456
00:25:03,099 --> 00:25:08,500
hit it right he hated that because the

457
00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:09,939
neighbors would come over the house and

458
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:11,740
I'd have to explain why there's

459
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:16,120
deodorant everywhere like it's a new

460
00:25:11,740 --> 00:25:17,620
type of potpourri and then he starts

461
00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:19,149
hiding the deodorant and then he starts

462
00:25:17,619 --> 00:25:21,489
lying about it and I'm like I'm sorry

463
00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:23,050
but teenagers can't lie they're too

464
00:25:21,490 --> 00:25:26,400
fidgety they're uncoordinated they look

465
00:25:23,049 --> 00:25:30,690
away they stutter they can't focus I

466
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:37,630
asked them did you put on deodorant mmm

467
00:25:30,690 --> 00:25:41,170
are you sure yeah come here I'm gonna

468
00:25:37,630 --> 00:25:45,040
smell you you don't believe me no that

469
00:25:41,170 --> 00:25:47,560
sucks are you wearing the gel deodorant

470
00:25:45,039 --> 00:25:49,089
that I bought for you all right take

471
00:25:47,559 --> 00:25:51,429
your finger stick it under your armpit

472
00:25:49,089 --> 00:25:52,929
and then pull it out why because if

473
00:25:51,430 --> 00:25:54,490
you're wearing the gel deodorant that I

474
00:25:52,930 --> 00:25:56,170
bought for you when you pull your finger

475
00:25:54,490 --> 00:25:57,880
out of your armpit your fingers gonna be

476
00:25:56,170 --> 00:25:58,870
shiny it's gonna look like you have

477
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,920
lubricant on it

478
00:25:58,869 --> 00:26:01,919
what's that shut up

479
00:26:03,369 --> 00:26:07,668
and then he tells me I'm wearing drag

480
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,740
deodorant oh really

481
00:26:07,669 --> 00:26:11,299
I don't remember buying that and I got

482
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:13,220
in his face and I said look Frankie you

483
00:26:11,298 --> 00:26:14,778
don't have to lie I'm here to help you

484
00:26:13,220 --> 00:26:17,808
I'm not here to hurt you I said do you

485
00:26:14,778 --> 00:26:19,869
like girls mmm yeah okay good well guess

486
00:26:17,808 --> 00:26:22,398
what they don't like it when you smell

487
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:26,028
they like it when you smell fresh and

488
00:26:22,398 --> 00:26:28,278
clean you don't have to lie I'm gonna

489
00:26:26,028 --> 00:26:30,048
let this go but if I catch you lying to

490
00:26:28,278 --> 00:26:33,429
me again that's when he freaked me out

491
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:33,429
and he did this what

492
00:26:35,749 --> 00:26:42,660
in my head I heard are you ready are you

493
00:26:40,648 --> 00:26:45,828
ready let's get it on

494
00:26:42,660 --> 00:26:45,829
[Applause]

495
00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:55,530
and I'm not a violent person bro I'm not

496
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:58,290
violent but hey it's kill or be killed

497
00:26:55,529 --> 00:26:59,759
right you know anything seriously you

498
00:26:58,289 --> 00:27:01,769
guys I would never put my hands on my

499
00:26:59,759 --> 00:27:03,329
son and people judge me for that oh you

500
00:27:01,769 --> 00:27:05,250
wouldn't hit your kid you think he's

501
00:27:03,329 --> 00:27:07,409
gonna call the cops I don't care if he

502
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:09,480
calls the cops I'll call the cops

503
00:27:07,410 --> 00:27:10,920
anyone who's ever seen my specials knows

504
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,610
I've had a few run-ins with law

505
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:16,140
enforcement damn and because of one joke

506
00:27:14,609 --> 00:27:18,000
where I went to a Krispy Kreme

507
00:27:16,140 --> 00:27:26,460
drive-through are you kidding me

508
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:28,679
I have become law enforcement's favorite

509
00:27:26,460 --> 00:27:31,110
comedian in the state of California

510
00:27:28,679 --> 00:27:33,480
alone I've done over 50 shows for the

511
00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:34,409
California Highway Patrol Los Angeles

512
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,880
Police Department

513
00:27:34,410 --> 00:27:38,850
Long Beach Police Department where I

514
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:40,890
live I can call a cop right now to go to

515
00:27:38,849 --> 00:27:44,069
my house and hold down my son while my

516
00:27:40,890 --> 00:27:45,720
girlfriend kicks him that's how

517
00:27:44,069 --> 00:27:47,339
connected I am I'm not worried about him

518
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:50,870
calling the cops I'm worried about him

519
00:27:47,339 --> 00:27:54,750
calling TMZ that's why I'm afraid oh

520
00:27:50,869 --> 00:27:57,000
yeah TMZ finds out I beat my son are you

521
00:27:54,750 --> 00:28:00,779
kidding me don't have me on TV the next

522
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:04,308
day Oh looks like chocolate cake isn't

523
00:28:00,779 --> 00:28:04,308
the only thing he beats up

524
00:28:09,769 --> 00:28:14,129
so I told my girl would happen I said

525
00:28:12,599 --> 00:28:15,928
listen baby he's lying to me and he's

526
00:28:14,130 --> 00:28:17,580
testing up I don't want to have to get

527
00:28:15,929 --> 00:28:19,798
physical with him but I will if I have

528
00:28:17,579 --> 00:28:21,658
to I'm not going anywhere and see my

529
00:28:19,798 --> 00:28:24,869
girlfriend's different my girlfriend

530
00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:32,280
will actually choke him I'm not gonna

531
00:28:24,869 --> 00:28:34,349
lie she's a little ghetto all right I

532
00:28:32,279 --> 00:28:37,230
left town for two weeks to go do some

533
00:28:34,349 --> 00:28:39,829
shows and when I came home it was night

534
00:28:37,230 --> 00:28:42,269
and day they picked me up at the airport

535
00:28:39,829 --> 00:28:46,139
he jumps out of the car and he's holding

536
00:28:42,269 --> 00:28:46,859
the door open like he's valet and I get

537
00:28:46,140 --> 00:28:50,669
in the car

538
00:28:46,859 --> 00:28:52,349
I look at my girl what's going on he

539
00:28:50,669 --> 00:28:55,429
thinks they're still mad at him so he's

540
00:28:52,349 --> 00:28:55,428
being extra good

541
00:29:07,380 --> 00:29:11,590
and the whole drive home he's doing that

542
00:29:10,029 --> 00:29:13,029
little song in the backseat I'm gonna

543
00:29:11,589 --> 00:29:15,129
clean the room I'm gonna check out the

544
00:29:13,029 --> 00:29:17,019
trash I'm gonna walk the dog I'm gonna

545
00:29:15,130 --> 00:29:19,090
do the dishes and when we got home he

546
00:29:17,019 --> 00:29:20,799
did all of it and I was like wow

547
00:29:19,089 --> 00:29:22,629
and then we're passing each other in the

548
00:29:20,799 --> 00:29:24,819
hallway and as we're passing each other

549
00:29:22,630 --> 00:29:27,910
he sticks out his arm bro and he tapped

550
00:29:24,819 --> 00:29:33,129
me and he keeps walking and I go excuse

551
00:29:27,910 --> 00:29:35,140
you anyway whatever oh my let me take

552
00:29:33,130 --> 00:29:40,240
this opportunity to tell you a little

553
00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:42,490
bit about myself I'm a decent person I'm

554
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:44,650
not great I'm not horrible I'm decent

555
00:29:42,490 --> 00:29:46,240
okay anybody who's ever met me in the

556
00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:48,070
past or will meet me in the future you

557
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:50,710
know what I'm saying hey I know what's

558
00:29:48,069 --> 00:29:52,599
in my heart I'm a nice person and if I'm

559
00:29:50,710 --> 00:29:55,329
being nice to you and you're mean to me

560
00:29:52,599 --> 00:29:58,019
I'll still be nice but if you're mean to

561
00:29:55,329 --> 00:30:02,139
me a second time I don't care who it is

562
00:29:58,019 --> 00:30:03,549
it could be one of you guys it could be

563
00:30:02,140 --> 00:30:05,910
one of my friends in the back or it

564
00:30:03,549 --> 00:30:08,559
could be the new dependent on my taxes

565
00:30:05,910 --> 00:30:10,150
you mess with me I'm gonna mess with you

566
00:30:08,559 --> 00:30:12,490
back and I'm gonna step it up a notch so

567
00:30:10,150 --> 00:30:13,780
you don't forget everybody's quiet all

568
00:30:12,490 --> 00:30:19,420
the kids are like I don't want to meet

569
00:30:13,779 --> 00:30:21,339
him now let me tell you what happened

570
00:30:19,420 --> 00:30:22,840
next morning I was in my son's room and

571
00:30:21,339 --> 00:30:23,859
I'm standing over his bed it's five

572
00:30:22,839 --> 00:30:26,379
o'clock in the morning and I'm just

573
00:30:23,859 --> 00:30:29,039
watching him sleep I know it look creepy

574
00:30:26,380 --> 00:30:29,040
like the movie

575
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,130
[Applause]

576
00:30:32,690 --> 00:30:36,750
and I'm just thinking what am I gonna do

577
00:30:35,130 --> 00:30:38,520
to get even right and I look over and I

578
00:30:36,750 --> 00:30:41,400
see his alarm clock and I'm like perfect

579
00:30:38,519 --> 00:30:43,470
just so you guys understand it's his job

580
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,269
to wake himself up for school and he

581
00:30:43,470 --> 00:30:47,610
knows if he's late because he didn't set

582
00:30:45,269 --> 00:30:49,889
that clock his mom is gonna have his ass

583
00:30:47,609 --> 00:30:51,599
he's afraid of his mom for a good reason

584
00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:54,410
so I grabbed that clock and I changed

585
00:30:51,599 --> 00:31:01,469
the time from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30

586
00:30:54,410 --> 00:31:08,750
it gets better then I set it off and he

587
00:31:01,470 --> 00:31:08,750
wakes up all scared freaked out

588
00:31:18,298 --> 00:31:22,168
and I started handing him his clothes

589
00:31:20,999 --> 00:31:23,669
here get dressed get your put your coat

590
00:31:22,169 --> 00:31:30,089
he's getting dressed in the dark he

591
00:31:23,669 --> 00:31:31,679
looks like a little drunk children and I

592
00:31:30,088 --> 00:31:33,898
grabbed him and I dragged his ass into

593
00:31:31,679 --> 00:31:34,528
the garage his whole face is oily and

594
00:31:33,898 --> 00:31:36,778
sweaty

595
00:31:34,528 --> 00:31:38,398
he's got rocks and crusts in his eyes he

596
00:31:36,778 --> 00:31:41,069
has a perfect white line going all the

597
00:31:38,398 --> 00:31:44,758
way to the back of its neck as soon as I

598
00:31:41,069 --> 00:31:49,168
get him in the car falls asleep I jump

599
00:31:44,759 --> 00:31:52,378
in and I take him to school we get to

600
00:31:49,169 --> 00:31:56,700
his school the Sun is barely coming out

601
00:31:52,378 --> 00:31:58,468
there is not a kid for miles as soon as

602
00:31:56,700 --> 00:32:02,969
we get by the office I slammed on the

603
00:31:58,469 --> 00:32:04,409
brakes to wake them up anyway Oh Frankie

604
00:32:02,969 --> 00:32:05,609
the bell just rang hurry the last kid

605
00:32:04,409 --> 00:32:09,720
winning you're gonna make it go go hurry

606
00:32:05,608 --> 00:32:12,838
go okay thank you all right I love you

607
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,838
[Music]

608
00:32:18,230 --> 00:32:22,069
it was Sunday

609
00:32:28,460 --> 00:32:34,558
kid mess with you you mess with kid now

610
00:32:33,509 --> 00:32:37,200
I know a lot of you right now are like

611
00:32:34,558 --> 00:32:40,678
oh you went back to get him right that

612
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:41,250
wasn't the plan he starts calling my

613
00:32:40,679 --> 00:32:44,429
phone

614
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:45,750
forgetting over look at the phone and

615
00:32:44,429 --> 00:32:48,629
it's a whole picture when he was still

616
00:32:45,750 --> 00:32:55,619
cute you know him I said him to

617
00:32:48,628 --> 00:33:02,250
voicemail I look at the phone and I see

618
00:32:55,619 --> 00:33:06,808
his mom's face shit little traitor we're

619
00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:13,980
trying to play it off in the car lo pick

620
00:33:06,808 --> 00:33:15,778
him I can barely hear you back I get

621
00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:18,589
back to the school big old freaking

622
00:33:15,778 --> 00:33:21,240
school with one kid in front of it oh

623
00:33:18,589 --> 00:33:23,398
man you guys he was so pissed off but

624
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:25,649
I'm gonna tell you something I found

625
00:33:23,398 --> 00:33:26,849
something out that week I found out that

626
00:33:25,648 --> 00:33:28,648
you don't have to yell at a kid to get

627
00:33:26,849 --> 00:33:30,990
your point across you definitely don't

628
00:33:28,648 --> 00:33:32,609
have to hit one all you really have to

629
00:33:30,990 --> 00:33:34,679
do to make sure they never forget the

630
00:33:32,609 --> 00:33:38,490
day that they messed up it's

631
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:40,798
embarrassing embarrassing a kid is the

632
00:33:38,490 --> 00:33:45,628
biggest weapon you can have as a parent

633
00:33:40,798 --> 00:33:47,308
that's legal and so much more effective

634
00:33:45,628 --> 00:33:49,740
you guys because I'm gonna tell you

635
00:33:47,308 --> 00:33:52,200
right now between the ages of 10 and 19

636
00:33:49,740 --> 00:33:53,700
it's all about image it's all about do I

637
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,950
have the cool shirt the cool hat the

638
00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:57,690
cool a wristband the cool watch the cool

639
00:33:55,950 --> 00:34:00,778
glasses the cool shoes the cool pants

640
00:33:57,690 --> 00:34:04,139
they want to fit in so bad you mess with

641
00:34:00,778 --> 00:34:06,210
their image at school oh it's mental

642
00:34:04,138 --> 00:34:09,440
it's emotional and depending on what you

643
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:09,440
did it's physical

644
00:34:10,110 --> 00:34:14,470
why do you think they make such a big

645
00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:16,300
deal about bullying in schools and child

646
00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:18,730
abuse amongst each other because when

647
00:34:16,300 --> 00:34:20,890
kids turn it's not pretty especially if

648
00:34:18,730 --> 00:34:23,199
they have a reason to like finding out

649
00:34:20,889 --> 00:34:25,119
that you got dropped off on Sunday by

650
00:34:23,199 --> 00:34:27,579
your dad because there was a janitor

651
00:34:25,119 --> 00:34:32,230
there working who saw the whole thing go

652
00:34:27,579 --> 00:34:34,299
down and three days is what it took for

653
00:34:32,230 --> 00:34:36,550
word to get out and when those kids

654
00:34:34,300 --> 00:34:38,950
found out it was my son the things they

655
00:34:36,550 --> 00:34:42,940
said to him were so bad that when he

656
00:34:38,949 --> 00:34:44,589
came home he was in tears okay and I'm

657
00:34:42,940 --> 00:34:46,829
not gonna let you guys I felt terrible

658
00:34:44,590 --> 00:34:50,740
for like a second

659
00:34:46,829 --> 00:35:09,469
it was bad though it was I was moved he

660
00:34:50,739 --> 00:35:12,529
came in all hard why did you stay there

661
00:35:09,469 --> 00:35:12,529
[Applause]

662
00:35:13,769 --> 00:35:19,429
put on deodorant

663
00:35:16,300 --> 00:35:19,429
[Applause]

664
00:35:27,389 --> 00:35:31,659
I'm not gonna lie you guys I think deep

665
00:35:29,889 --> 00:35:34,509
down he wishes that I would hit him

666
00:35:31,659 --> 00:35:35,980
because it would be faster but that's

667
00:35:34,510 --> 00:35:38,650
not how I roll

668
00:35:35,980 --> 00:35:42,010
oh no and I gotta give credit to his mom

669
00:35:38,650 --> 00:35:44,440
you guys his mom allows me to be a dad

670
00:35:42,010 --> 00:35:46,570
you know as a stepparent it's not easy

671
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,559
you can't just come in and run things it

672
00:35:46,570 --> 00:35:49,750
takes time

673
00:35:47,559 --> 00:35:51,369
if you come into that house and you

674
00:35:49,750 --> 00:35:54,070
start trying to yell at people and start

675
00:35:51,369 --> 00:35:56,559
trying to know they'll jump all over you

676
00:35:54,070 --> 00:35:59,350
you can't be doing that don't do hey you

677
00:35:56,559 --> 00:36:03,750
tell me what he did I'll handle it you

678
00:35:59,349 --> 00:36:06,039
don't do anything I've been there bro

679
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:07,300
yeah all right next thing you know

680
00:36:06,039 --> 00:36:10,659
you're in the corner crying when that

681
00:36:07,300 --> 00:36:12,039
kid is supposed to be it's a hazing

682
00:36:10,659 --> 00:36:13,420
process in the beginning it's

683
00:36:12,039 --> 00:36:15,250
everybody's pushing each other's buttons

684
00:36:13,420 --> 00:36:16,960
everybody's testing each other is this

685
00:36:15,250 --> 00:36:18,820
guy really gonna stick around that's

686
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:22,990
what happens and after eight years hey

687
00:36:18,820 --> 00:36:25,120
my credit is good so my girl backs me up

688
00:36:22,989 --> 00:36:28,059
whenever I make a call she backs me up

689
00:36:25,119 --> 00:36:30,339
don't get me wrong if I make a bad call

690
00:36:28,059 --> 00:36:32,469
she's gonna call me on it okay if I mess

691
00:36:30,340 --> 00:36:33,940
up she's gonna point it out she doesn't

692
00:36:32,469 --> 00:36:35,980
think that all my ideas are good ones

693
00:36:33,940 --> 00:36:41,170
and there's been a few times when I've

694
00:36:35,980 --> 00:36:42,940
messed up as a dad like one night I got

695
00:36:41,170 --> 00:36:46,000
really really drunk on the road with my

696
00:36:42,940 --> 00:36:48,940
team and I don't know what happened I

697
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:50,170
started drunk texting Frankie I don't

698
00:36:48,940 --> 00:36:56,320
know what it is about me getting drunk

699
00:36:50,170 --> 00:36:58,329
for some reason the phone just and my

700
00:36:56,320 --> 00:37:00,490
girl found out about it and when I got

701
00:36:58,329 --> 00:37:01,690
home I knew something was up because she

702
00:37:00,489 --> 00:37:03,519
called me by my first name

703
00:37:01,690 --> 00:37:05,289
and we're having use first names in

704
00:37:03,519 --> 00:37:06,400
years you know since then it's always

705
00:37:05,289 --> 00:37:09,099
been pet names you know how it goes you

706
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:11,500
know honey baby Sweetie Suzy has

707
00:37:09,099 --> 00:37:13,779
something to kind of just some of you

708
00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:18,099
got that good ass yes anyway

709
00:37:13,780 --> 00:37:21,670
I walk in the door and I hear Gabriel

710
00:37:18,099 --> 00:37:23,860
and I'm like oh I'm in court and here

711
00:37:21,670 --> 00:37:25,210
she comes out of the back I understand

712
00:37:23,860 --> 00:37:26,800
when you're out there you're gonna do

713
00:37:25,210 --> 00:37:29,170
what you're gonna do you want to get

714
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:30,670
drunk fine get drunk you want to text me

715
00:37:29,170 --> 00:37:31,240
while you're drunk fine text me while

716
00:37:30,670 --> 00:37:35,800
you're drunk

717
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:36,899
do not ever drunk text my son again how

718
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:41,800
do you know it was drunk

719
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:49,599
really Frankie come here bring your

720
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:55,980
phone look at this message that came in

721
00:37:49,599 --> 00:37:55,980
at 4:17 a.m. put on deodorant fucker

722
00:38:06,199 --> 00:38:14,279
that's a nickname I gotta give her

723
00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:16,710
credit

724
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:18,990
anytime I mess up she is very creative

725
00:38:16,710 --> 00:38:20,490
on how she approaches me like the latest

726
00:38:18,989 --> 00:38:23,068
thing that she does is she no longer

727
00:38:20,489 --> 00:38:25,439
wants to deal with me face to face what

728
00:38:23,068 --> 00:38:27,358
she does is she will find one of the

729
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:29,460
three dogs that we have in the house and

730
00:38:27,358 --> 00:38:32,159
she will start carrying a full-blown

731
00:38:29,460 --> 00:38:35,730
conversation with the dog telling the

732
00:38:32,159 --> 00:38:37,769
dog what I'm doing wrong as a man you

733
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:43,079
have to understand how demeaning this is

734
00:38:37,769 --> 00:38:44,818
to me okay I own chihuahuas and you mean

735
00:38:43,079 --> 00:38:47,250
to tell me two pounds of Terror is gonna

736
00:38:44,818 --> 00:38:48,599
take over me no no no and I'll tell you

737
00:38:47,250 --> 00:38:49,050
what happened you guys I was actually

738
00:38:48,599 --> 00:38:50,910
innocent

739
00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:54,000
I was actually innocent I didn't do

740
00:38:50,909 --> 00:38:56,250
anything bad but it looked bad I had

741
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:58,889
three shows one night and after the

742
00:38:56,250 --> 00:39:00,329
third show I was exhausted so I go in

743
00:38:58,889 --> 00:39:02,730
the back to lay down for a little bit

744
00:39:00,329 --> 00:39:04,740
and I fell asleep and I woke up and it

745
00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:06,179
was four hours later and I reached down

746
00:39:04,739 --> 00:39:07,679
and I pull out my phone my phone was

747
00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:09,629
still in my pocket and it was in silent

748
00:39:07,679 --> 00:39:14,129
mode and I looked at the screen and the

749
00:39:09,630 --> 00:39:15,340
screen said 27 missed calls from I

750
00:39:14,130 --> 00:39:16,539
wonder who

751
00:39:15,340 --> 00:39:18,608
[Music]

752
00:39:16,539 --> 00:39:20,139
there is not a text in the world that's

753
00:39:18,608 --> 00:39:22,000
gonna fix that there's not a phone call

754
00:39:20,139 --> 00:39:23,618
that I'm gonna make it 4 o'clock in the

755
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:26,469
morning that's gonna make this better

756
00:39:23,619 --> 00:39:31,660
I'm screwed no matter what so I shut off

757
00:39:26,469 --> 00:39:35,230
my phone all the girls are like that's

758
00:39:31,659 --> 00:39:36,879
what you really messed up I know I

759
00:39:35,230 --> 00:39:40,750
didn't know you could die twice

760
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:43,300
apparently you can't so I come home you

761
00:39:40,750 --> 00:39:44,949
guys and I'm innocent so I'm not showing

762
00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:47,890
up at the front door with flowers or

763
00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:50,649
trying to be rude no no I know I'm good

764
00:39:47,889 --> 00:39:52,389
so I show up confident I walk in I said

765
00:39:50,650 --> 00:39:54,280
baby let me just explain what happened

766
00:39:52,389 --> 00:39:58,299
to me this weekend before you say

767
00:39:54,280 --> 00:40:01,420
anything and then she starts oh look

768
00:39:58,300 --> 00:40:04,510
who's here Bruno look who's here

769
00:40:01,420 --> 00:40:07,090
daddy's home now daddy wants to talk to

770
00:40:04,510 --> 00:40:09,160
us funny talk to Bruno

771
00:40:07,090 --> 00:40:10,210
let me explain he thinks were playing

772
00:40:09,159 --> 00:40:11,858
huh

773
00:40:10,210 --> 00:40:13,809
really you're not gonna talk to me

774
00:40:11,858 --> 00:40:16,389
you're gonna talk to the dog somebody's

775
00:40:13,809 --> 00:40:18,789
getting frustrated huh kind of like we

776
00:40:16,389 --> 00:40:20,889
were frustrated when he didn't pick up

777
00:40:18,789 --> 00:40:23,769
his phone yes dude dude

778
00:40:20,889 --> 00:40:26,079
she will not look at me she will not

779
00:40:23,769 --> 00:40:29,199
talk to me she continues to do this for

780
00:40:26,079 --> 00:40:31,239
10 minutes after 10 minutes she has me

781
00:40:29,199 --> 00:40:34,349
doing it Bruno

782
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:34,349
[Music]

783
00:40:39,199 --> 00:40:45,149
now she thinks I'm making fun of her are

784
00:40:42,420 --> 00:40:46,740
you mocking me now I'm pissed off

785
00:40:45,150 --> 00:40:49,590
because now she's screaming in my face

786
00:40:46,739 --> 00:40:52,769
so then I was like all cheap things were

787
00:40:49,590 --> 00:40:54,539
mocking her hopparoo no mommy shouldn't

788
00:40:52,769 --> 00:40:57,269
have played this game because we can

789
00:40:54,539 --> 00:41:00,690
play it better huh yeah cuz I can make

790
00:40:57,269 --> 00:41:03,750
you talk back to me huh Tom Bow Wow yes

791
00:41:00,690 --> 00:41:07,289
I can because you love me more a la

792
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:09,590
valeur mommy's crazy huh los is a bust

793
00:41:07,289 --> 00:41:09,590
come on

794
00:41:17,489 --> 00:41:24,329
and that started a whole different

795
00:41:20,338 --> 00:41:25,710
argument my god you guys and I don't

796
00:41:24,329 --> 00:41:27,960
want you thinking that my girlfriend's a

797
00:41:25,710 --> 00:41:30,358
bad person she's an amazing woman

798
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:35,400
the fact that I only have seven stories

799
00:41:30,358 --> 00:41:36,869
about her in eight years says a lot you

800
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:40,230
know don't get me wrong five of them

801
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:42,900
happened this year but that's still way

802
00:41:40,230 --> 00:41:44,639
below the bar here and I'm saying and I

803
00:41:42,900 --> 00:41:45,960
get questions I get questions about her

804
00:41:44,639 --> 00:41:47,279
because you know in the past I've done

805
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:49,050
specials and I've talked about other

806
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:50,609
people in my life I've talked about my

807
00:41:49,050 --> 00:41:52,589
mom I've talked about my dad I've talked

808
00:41:50,608 --> 00:41:54,269
about my sister's my brother I've talked

809
00:41:52,588 --> 00:41:57,119
about Frankie but I've never really

810
00:41:54,269 --> 00:41:58,380
talked about my girl and so I get people

811
00:41:57,119 --> 00:42:00,480
that ask me you know we want to know a

812
00:41:58,380 --> 00:42:03,030
little bit more first question that

813
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:07,800
everybody always ask is is your

814
00:42:03,030 --> 00:42:09,510
girlfriend fluffy too and no she's not

815
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:11,430
she's a little bit curvy but she's not

816
00:42:09,510 --> 00:42:13,619
fluffy and it's not to say that I have

817
00:42:11,429 --> 00:42:15,809
anything against big women most of my

818
00:42:13,619 --> 00:42:18,000
ex-girlfriends were really big girls

819
00:42:15,809 --> 00:42:21,659
when we would hug it was like arms and

820
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:24,960
pillows oh yeah it was at tempur-pedic

821
00:42:21,659 --> 00:42:26,819
love your nose and it was hardcore like

822
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:28,349
we would hug really really hard and then

823
00:42:26,820 --> 00:42:30,680
let go and then our body would come back

824
00:42:28,349 --> 00:42:30,680
to normal

825
00:42:35,900 --> 00:42:43,260
another question that people ask is is

826
00:42:38,969 --> 00:42:45,989
your girlfriend also Mexican you know as

827
00:42:43,260 --> 00:42:47,850
your girlfriend Mexican and yes she is

828
00:42:45,989 --> 00:42:50,549
but that doesn't mean anything because I

829
00:42:47,849 --> 00:42:59,759
have dated the rainbow okay that's just

830
00:42:50,550 --> 00:43:01,769
where it landed which is where I landed

831
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:03,150
all right you know uh I think the crazy

832
00:43:01,769 --> 00:43:06,030
part with my girl is that she doesn't

833
00:43:03,150 --> 00:43:10,380
have traditional Mexican features all

834
00:43:06,030 --> 00:43:12,360
right she could pass for white which is

835
00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:14,849
funny because the first time I

836
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:18,510
introduced her to my mom looks quite the

837
00:43:14,849 --> 00:43:21,299
show I take my girl to go meet my mom

838
00:43:18,510 --> 00:43:23,010
for the first time and you know my mom

839
00:43:21,300 --> 00:43:24,090
she would come to the door she'll come

840
00:43:23,010 --> 00:43:25,710
to the door if you know she you know she

841
00:43:24,090 --> 00:43:26,789
sees you pulling up in the driveway she

842
00:43:25,710 --> 00:43:28,710
opens the door and just waits for you to

843
00:43:26,789 --> 00:43:30,539
get there and greets you at the door so

844
00:43:28,710 --> 00:43:31,920
I'm pulling out right gets the you know

845
00:43:30,539 --> 00:43:33,809
she comes to the door she sees me

846
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:36,510
opening the door and this white girl

847
00:43:33,809 --> 00:43:49,409
comes out and she starts cussing me out

848
00:43:36,510 --> 00:43:51,090
from the door and my girl speaks Spanish

849
00:43:49,409 --> 00:43:52,859
so my girl looks at my mom and she's

850
00:43:51,090 --> 00:43:58,110
like oh Lessing your neck como estas

851
00:43:52,860 --> 00:44:00,210
and my mom was like oh my god you see

852
00:43:58,110 --> 00:44:03,170
that mom you see that mom they make them

853
00:44:00,210 --> 00:44:03,170
in that color too

854
00:44:09,909 --> 00:44:15,259
another question that I get about my

855
00:44:12,050 --> 00:44:17,060
girl is how did you guys meet did you

856
00:44:15,260 --> 00:44:20,200
meet at her show and actually no we

857
00:44:17,059 --> 00:44:24,679
didn't meet at a show we met at a bar

858
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:26,089
and see some of your like a lot of

859
00:44:24,679 --> 00:44:27,829
people don't like that one they're like

860
00:44:26,090 --> 00:44:30,350
oh really a bar that's not a good way to

861
00:44:27,829 --> 00:44:33,519
meet someone it's an honest way to meet

862
00:44:30,349 --> 00:44:36,589
someone we were both drunk when we met

863
00:44:33,519 --> 00:44:39,440
which I find ironic considering she has

864
00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:41,150
issues with me drinking now you know

865
00:44:39,440 --> 00:44:44,389
eight years later the way I see I'm just

866
00:44:41,150 --> 00:44:46,639
keeping it real you know Sammy but no

867
00:44:44,389 --> 00:44:48,829
she don't see it that way when we met I

868
00:44:46,639 --> 00:44:49,909
was gone she was gone we started talking

869
00:44:48,829 --> 00:44:52,690
to each other and at the end of the

870
00:44:49,909 --> 00:44:56,029
night I was like wow you have issues

871
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:57,679
you're messed up too we wanted to go get

872
00:44:56,030 --> 00:45:00,080
a bite to eat and then you know nine

873
00:44:57,679 --> 00:45:02,179
months later we moved in together and

874
00:45:00,079 --> 00:45:03,409
that it worked out for us I tell people

875
00:45:02,179 --> 00:45:05,449
you want to find out who you're with

876
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:06,769
don't just rush into the relationship

877
00:45:05,449 --> 00:45:09,169
right away like you see some of those

878
00:45:06,769 --> 00:45:12,980
people after a month we knew it was

879
00:45:09,170 --> 00:45:15,950
meant to be yeah a year later he changed

880
00:45:12,980 --> 00:45:21,230
she's not the same he changed

881
00:45:15,949 --> 00:45:23,210
she's not the same he changed people

882
00:45:21,230 --> 00:45:25,070
don't change I'll tell you why it looks

883
00:45:23,210 --> 00:45:26,780
like they do because in the beginning of

884
00:45:25,070 --> 00:45:29,059
the relationship you do whatever you

885
00:45:26,780 --> 00:45:31,160
have to do to make it work and the first

886
00:45:29,059 --> 00:45:33,289
thing you do is you bite your tongue

887
00:45:31,159 --> 00:45:34,699
all of your frickin issues and things

888
00:45:33,289 --> 00:45:37,039
that bother you you check your own

889
00:45:34,699 --> 00:45:39,980
morals because you want to make it work

890
00:45:37,039 --> 00:45:42,739
you start weighing out the pros and the

891
00:45:39,980 --> 00:45:45,909
cons you're like oh man she talks a lot

892
00:45:42,739 --> 00:45:45,909
but look at that butt

893
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:52,390
and her family's kind of crazy but they

894
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:53,860
got money you start putting things up

895
00:45:52,389 --> 00:45:55,989
that's why it looks like the person

896
00:45:53,860 --> 00:45:56,890
changed a year later and I'm just saying

897
00:45:55,989 --> 00:45:59,379
you guys if you don't feel like

898
00:45:56,889 --> 00:46:01,659
investing a lifetime trying to figure

899
00:45:59,380 --> 00:46:04,090
out who you're with just do what I did

900
00:46:01,659 --> 00:46:05,679
and get drunk with the person but don't

901
00:46:04,090 --> 00:46:08,110
just get drunk to get drunk get drunk

902
00:46:05,679 --> 00:46:10,059
with the intent I'm getting as much real

903
00:46:08,110 --> 00:46:12,430
information out of them so that you can

904
00:46:10,059 --> 00:46:14,199
make an educated decision on whether or

905
00:46:12,429 --> 00:46:19,899
not to be with them

906
00:46:14,199 --> 00:46:23,239
[Applause]

907
00:46:19,900 --> 00:46:24,380
make it fun make it a game this way you

908
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:25,909
don't know this what you do you sit

909
00:46:24,380 --> 00:46:27,500
across from each other you make a list

910
00:46:25,909 --> 00:46:30,170
of five things you have to know before

911
00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:32,300
you become exclusive then you break open

912
00:46:30,170 --> 00:46:35,780
a bottle of tequila or alcohol of your

913
00:46:32,300 --> 00:46:38,780
choice you do ten shots each you wait

914
00:46:35,780 --> 00:46:43,060
thirty five minutes you turn on a flip

915
00:46:38,780 --> 00:46:45,380
cam hit record and let the date begin

916
00:46:43,059 --> 00:46:47,900
you're about to find out who you're

917
00:46:45,380 --> 00:46:50,210
really dealing with make it fun okay

918
00:46:47,900 --> 00:46:54,910
Jennifer you go first

919
00:46:50,210 --> 00:46:54,909
Thank You Jonathan thank you okay

920
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:02,650
[Applause]

921
00:47:06,039 --> 00:47:14,750
okay boy how many people have you slept

922
00:47:11,449 --> 00:47:25,179
with and guys can lie but the face gives

923
00:47:14,750 --> 00:47:30,440
it away how many - have you ever cheated

924
00:47:25,179 --> 00:47:32,149
no next day you pull out that video and

925
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,380
you confront them and you can see for

926
00:47:32,150 --> 00:47:35,180
yourself who you're really dealing with

927
00:47:33,380 --> 00:47:37,490
and if you can see that they're lying

928
00:47:35,179 --> 00:47:39,949
call them out Jonathan this is the

929
00:47:37,489 --> 00:47:42,019
saddest thing I've ever seen it is so

930
00:47:39,949 --> 00:47:44,299
obvious that you're lying there's no way

931
00:47:42,019 --> 00:47:45,650
in hell I'm ever gonna be with you why

932
00:47:44,300 --> 00:47:47,360
don't you just be a man and tell the

933
00:47:45,650 --> 00:47:49,690
truth how many people have you really

934
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:58,730
been with oh man

935
00:47:49,690 --> 00:48:01,099
over 2000 god I cheated on everybody how

936
00:47:58,730 --> 00:48:04,449
could you do that how could you cheat

937
00:48:01,099 --> 00:48:04,449
how could you cheat

938
00:48:18,300 --> 00:48:22,480
these some of your clapping some are

939
00:48:20,590 --> 00:48:26,380
laughing some are like it's still not

940
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:27,849
funny I'm not making fun of molestation

941
00:48:26,380 --> 00:48:32,440
I'm only making fun of the fact that

942
00:48:27,849 --> 00:48:33,909
Alfred said it some people over there

943
00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:39,039
not I gotta go pee go ahead oh yeah go

944
00:48:33,909 --> 00:48:44,619
pee okay they're freaking out hello I'm

945
00:48:39,039 --> 00:48:46,059
not TV I'm right here I told the venue

946
00:48:44,619 --> 00:48:47,469
to I said you know what they got to do

947
00:48:46,059 --> 00:48:49,329
for the special they got to put speakers

948
00:48:47,469 --> 00:48:51,009
in the bathroom under the toilets so

949
00:48:49,329 --> 00:48:53,650
when people get up like that to go pee I

950
00:48:51,010 --> 00:48:57,640
can mess them up and go mmm welcome to

951
00:48:53,650 --> 00:48:59,769
the restroom if you need to go peepee

952
00:48:57,639 --> 00:49:02,889
please use stall number one if you need

953
00:48:59,769 --> 00:49:04,599
to go Popo please you start over - thank

954
00:49:02,889 --> 00:49:08,980
you

955
00:49:04,599 --> 00:49:12,549
bienvenidos al Bano see necesitas hacer

956
00:49:08,980 --> 00:49:17,219
PP o cuarto numero uno si necesitas

957
00:49:12,550 --> 00:49:21,600
hacer kappa also welcome our boss

958
00:49:17,219 --> 00:49:26,699
gracias equal opportunity right

959
00:49:21,599 --> 00:49:30,639
[Applause]

960
00:49:26,699 --> 00:49:32,199
fuck up to the restroom hell yeah that's

961
00:49:30,639 --> 00:49:33,730
what I'm saying if you need to pee your

962
00:49:32,199 --> 00:49:37,589
stall number one if you need to shit

963
00:49:33,730 --> 00:49:37,590
take your nasty ass home

964
00:49:42,380 --> 00:49:48,000
some of your laughing somewhere like

965
00:49:44,309 --> 00:49:54,779
stop doing those voices just having fun

966
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:56,820
that's all I gotta tell you guys being a

967
00:49:54,780 --> 00:50:00,030
comedian has been the one of the

968
00:49:56,820 --> 00:50:02,010
greatest experiences for me and you know

969
00:50:00,030 --> 00:50:04,710
it's been it's been a fun ride it's been

970
00:50:02,010 --> 00:50:06,870
a fun ride and um a lot of people don't

971
00:50:04,710 --> 00:50:09,240
understand what has gone into this you

972
00:50:06,869 --> 00:50:10,769
know me personally I got a lot of people

973
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:12,539
to thank my family obviously first and

974
00:50:10,769 --> 00:50:13,710
foremost and all my friends and all the

975
00:50:12,539 --> 00:50:15,059
support all the people you don't see

976
00:50:13,710 --> 00:50:16,740
that are behind the scenes that have

977
00:50:15,059 --> 00:50:18,119
helped me you know there's a lot of

978
00:50:16,739 --> 00:50:19,559
comedians up there they do really good

979
00:50:18,119 --> 00:50:21,150
and for some reason they start you know

980
00:50:19,559 --> 00:50:21,929
going crazy and things happen and then

981
00:50:21,150 --> 00:50:25,170
what happened

982
00:50:21,929 --> 00:50:26,579
wrong people around them so whenever you

983
00:50:25,170 --> 00:50:27,990
see me you're like honky was keeping it

984
00:50:26,579 --> 00:50:29,849
together cuz people keep me together

985
00:50:27,989 --> 00:50:31,799
shooting I start believing my own hype

986
00:50:29,849 --> 00:50:34,230
I'm at 7-eleven yeah give me all that

987
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:37,100
shit yeah yeah keep it sir forgive me

988
00:50:34,230 --> 00:50:44,730
crazy why is he talking to me like that

989
00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:47,250
I just want you guys to know it's been a

990
00:50:44,730 --> 00:50:48,510
fun ride and I want you to understand a

991
00:50:47,250 --> 00:50:50,610
little bit more of what has happened

992
00:50:48,510 --> 00:50:52,680
over the years to get to this point for

993
00:50:50,610 --> 00:50:55,920
the first I'd say the first ten years of

994
00:50:52,679 --> 00:50:58,889
my career I was considered a Southwest

995
00:50:55,920 --> 00:51:00,869
comedian by promoters meaning that they

996
00:50:58,889 --> 00:51:05,730
would only promote me in California

997
00:51:00,869 --> 00:51:07,650
Arizona Nevada Texas New Mexico nothing

998
00:51:05,730 --> 00:51:09,090
wrong with that but here's the thing is

999
00:51:07,650 --> 00:51:10,680
that they were calling me a Southwest

1000
00:51:09,090 --> 00:51:13,680
comedian and then they call me Latino

1001
00:51:10,679 --> 00:51:16,859
comedian and I hated that no no I hate

1002
00:51:13,679 --> 00:51:18,539
that I'll tell you why and I know you

1003
00:51:16,860 --> 00:51:20,010
have good intentions when you over let

1004
00:51:18,539 --> 00:51:22,440
me explain why I don't like that title

1005
00:51:20,010 --> 00:51:24,480
when you say Latino comedian it makes it

1006
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:27,030
sound like I can only perform for

1007
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:28,800
Latinos okay and don't get me wrong I

1008
00:51:27,030 --> 00:51:30,570
know who I am and where I come from but

1009
00:51:28,800 --> 00:51:32,519
I believe that Latinos should be shared

1010
00:51:30,570 --> 00:51:34,200
with everyone and that's what I'm trying

1011
00:51:32,519 --> 00:51:35,849
to do and the reason why I make a big

1012
00:51:34,199 --> 00:51:37,529
deal about that is because anybody else

1013
00:51:35,849 --> 00:51:39,089
you just call them their name for

1014
00:51:37,530 --> 00:51:42,960
example Jerry Seinfeld

1015
00:51:39,090 --> 00:51:46,170
he's just Jerry Seinfeld he's not Jewish

1016
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:49,630
comedian Jerry Seinfeld

1017
00:51:46,170 --> 00:51:52,750
Chris Rock is just Chris Rock he's not

1018
00:51:49,630 --> 00:51:55,390
african-american comedian Chris Rock but

1019
00:51:52,750 --> 00:51:59,079
with me I was always Latino comedian or

1020
00:51:55,389 --> 00:52:02,489
fat comic yeah they wouldn't even call

1021
00:51:59,079 --> 00:52:02,489
me fluffy those bastards

1022
00:52:04,429 --> 00:52:08,670
and so it wasn't until years and years

1023
00:52:07,170 --> 00:52:10,170
of grinding it out that eventually I

1024
00:52:08,670 --> 00:52:12,449
wound up meeting a promoter who

1025
00:52:10,170 --> 00:52:14,659
eventually became my manager who took a

1026
00:52:12,449 --> 00:52:16,709
chance on me and he promoted me in

1027
00:52:14,659 --> 00:52:20,009
Minneapolis Minnesota

1028
00:52:16,708 --> 00:52:22,618
okay and you cannot get any whiter than

1029
00:52:20,009 --> 00:52:30,478
Minneapolis Minnesota that is where the

1030
00:52:22,619 --> 00:52:32,969
Hollies are built that is the haole

1031
00:52:30,478 --> 00:52:35,368
Factory okay there's many hapless

1032
00:52:32,969 --> 00:52:37,889
Minnesota and it was a venue about as

1033
00:52:35,369 --> 00:52:40,259
big as this and it was it was sold out

1034
00:52:37,889 --> 00:52:41,639
and word got back to Los Angeles and to

1035
00:52:40,259 --> 00:52:43,739
New York and to all these promoters that

1036
00:52:41,639 --> 00:52:45,298
there's this entertainer with the last

1037
00:52:43,739 --> 00:52:49,679
name Iglesias who sold a bunch of

1038
00:52:45,298 --> 00:52:51,088
tickets who was not Enrique next thing

1039
00:52:49,679 --> 00:52:52,410
you know promoters are coming up the

1040
00:52:51,088 --> 00:52:53,608
woodwork another change in their tune

1041
00:52:52,409 --> 00:52:55,170
now they're not calling me Latino

1042
00:52:53,608 --> 00:52:57,239
comedian anymore now they're saying oh

1043
00:52:55,170 --> 00:52:59,579
this guy's he's funny across the board

1044
00:52:57,239 --> 00:53:01,708
he's crossover he's so crossover as a

1045
00:52:59,579 --> 00:53:04,048
material touches everyone he's crossover

1046
00:53:01,708 --> 00:53:08,428
he's crossover really you're gonna call

1047
00:53:04,048 --> 00:53:10,699
him Mexican cross over it was getting

1048
00:53:08,429 --> 00:53:10,699
worse

1049
00:53:14,909 --> 00:53:19,029
all I wanted to do is be given a chance

1050
00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:20,769
to go out and perform and show what I

1051
00:53:19,030 --> 00:53:22,870
could do and not have restrictions and

1052
00:53:20,769 --> 00:53:25,239
titles and stuff put on it was very very

1053
00:53:22,869 --> 00:53:27,730
hard and so like I said once I met my uh

1054
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:30,399
my buddy who took care of me and came my

1055
00:53:27,730 --> 00:53:31,750
manager Joe Milosh amazing work he

1056
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:34,329
started taking me everywhere with the

1057
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:36,190
help of him and my agent Matt Blake and

1058
00:53:34,329 --> 00:53:38,049
Comedy Central started backing me up and

1059
00:53:36,190 --> 00:53:40,119
we wound up hitting all 50 states next

1060
00:53:38,050 --> 00:53:41,710
thing I know we go to Canada next thing

1061
00:53:40,119 --> 00:53:43,420
I know they sent me to Europe next thing

1062
00:53:41,710 --> 00:53:46,030
I know we hit Australia and then I get

1063
00:53:43,420 --> 00:53:48,760
this phone call my agent calls me out

1064
00:53:46,030 --> 00:53:50,650
but he says Gabe check it out you're

1065
00:53:48,760 --> 00:53:52,450
getting a request to perform in the

1066
00:53:50,650 --> 00:53:55,059
Middle East I go really

1067
00:53:52,449 --> 00:53:58,149
okay cool Army Navy Marines Air Force

1068
00:53:55,059 --> 00:54:01,299
who actually the request is coming from

1069
00:53:58,150 --> 00:54:08,869
a prince run that by me again a prince

1070
00:54:01,300 --> 00:54:11,300
I said Purple Reign not Prince a prince

1071
00:54:08,869 --> 00:54:12,619
I said how do they know me I I don't

1072
00:54:11,300 --> 00:54:14,210
know but they say that they know you and

1073
00:54:12,619 --> 00:54:16,549
they want to hire you I go it sounds

1074
00:54:14,210 --> 00:54:17,780
like a joke Matt trust me it sounds

1075
00:54:16,550 --> 00:54:19,730
legit all right

1076
00:54:17,780 --> 00:54:22,910
if it's legit I'll tell you what give

1077
00:54:19,730 --> 00:54:24,019
whoever a ridiculous figure and let them

1078
00:54:22,909 --> 00:54:27,529
know that they have to wire the money

1079
00:54:24,019 --> 00:54:32,739
today otherwise forget it four hours

1080
00:54:27,530 --> 00:54:34,970
later Gabe what ridiculous just called

1081
00:54:32,739 --> 00:54:37,429
are you serious I'm looking at the

1082
00:54:34,969 --> 00:54:41,239
screen bro they wired all of it next

1083
00:54:37,429 --> 00:54:53,779
thing I know welcome aboard

1084
00:54:41,239 --> 00:54:56,479
Saudi Arabian Airlines digital 17-hour

1085
00:54:53,780 --> 00:54:58,550
flight you guys from Detroit Michigan to

1086
00:54:56,480 --> 00:55:01,070
Riyadh Saudi Arabia and just so you guys

1087
00:54:58,550 --> 00:55:05,360
know I didn't go by myself okay

1088
00:55:01,070 --> 00:55:07,750
I took some friends with me nobody from

1089
00:55:05,360 --> 00:55:07,750
this show

1090
00:55:11,110 --> 00:55:14,680
for obvious reasons

1091
00:55:15,030 --> 00:55:18,930
you see the crew that I travel with

1092
00:55:16,739 --> 00:55:21,449
everybody's hairy big nose goatee beard

1093
00:55:18,929 --> 00:55:23,609
crazy eyes this are you kidding me with

1094
00:55:21,449 --> 00:55:28,529
all of us we're like Osama bin Lopez you

1095
00:55:23,610 --> 00:55:29,880
know say what the hell so I took two

1096
00:55:28,530 --> 00:55:32,280
other friends I took one friend his name

1097
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:36,300
is Edwin San Juan who's Filipino works

1098
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:38,190
clean oh yeah and another buddy of mine

1099
00:55:36,300 --> 00:55:43,470
named Larry Omaha who's Native American

1100
00:55:38,190 --> 00:55:45,450
who also works clean and look at the

1101
00:55:43,469 --> 00:55:46,469
camera hey Larry Omaha and once that one

1102
00:55:45,449 --> 00:55:47,879
you guys have fans and they're here in

1103
00:55:46,469 --> 00:55:52,859
Hawaii get your asses over here anyway

1104
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:54,269
uh so we had to react 17 hour flight

1105
00:55:52,860 --> 00:55:55,800
from Detroit as soon as we get there

1106
00:55:54,269 --> 00:55:57,809
they flew us there first class by the

1107
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:59,160
way it was really nice and the plane is

1108
00:55:57,809 --> 00:56:02,820
pulling up to the gate and you know it's

1109
00:55:59,159 --> 00:56:04,920
doing the whole you know and the tube is

1110
00:56:02,820 --> 00:56:06,480
coming out to meet the plane as soon as

1111
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:08,849
the tube touches the plane all of a

1112
00:56:06,480 --> 00:56:11,309
sudden the door on the opposite side of

1113
00:56:08,849 --> 00:56:13,230
the plane pops open and a man in the

1114
00:56:11,309 --> 00:56:18,809
suit gets on and he walks over to the

1115
00:56:13,230 --> 00:56:20,280
three of us and he does this and I'm

1116
00:56:18,809 --> 00:56:24,239
sitting there freaking out like oh my

1117
00:56:20,280 --> 00:56:26,160
god this is like the movies and they

1118
00:56:24,239 --> 00:56:28,639
pulled us off the plane and they

1119
00:56:26,159 --> 00:56:31,049
escorted us to this area called VIP

1120
00:56:28,639 --> 00:56:32,670
baggage claim and it sounds kind of

1121
00:56:31,050 --> 00:56:34,170
create VIP and I get there and I realize

1122
00:56:32,670 --> 00:56:35,430
all there they're serving cookies and

1123
00:56:34,170 --> 00:56:37,440
candy and coffee and there's leather

1124
00:56:35,429 --> 00:56:39,839
sofas and it's really nice and there's

1125
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:42,090
nothing but middle-eastern businessmen

1126
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:45,269
there okay and they're all talking about

1127
00:56:42,090 --> 00:56:47,280
me I don't understand Arabic but

1128
00:56:45,269 --> 00:56:49,259
everyone in this room understands when

1129
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:50,970
someone's talking about you the guys

1130
00:56:49,260 --> 00:56:55,740
looking at me and he's like not a

1131
00:56:50,969 --> 00:56:58,949
definite American economy I'm sorry but

1132
00:56:55,739 --> 00:57:03,569
this is universal

1133
00:56:58,949 --> 00:57:11,618
and apparently this is Arabic for Dale

1134
00:57:03,570 --> 00:57:14,150
[Applause]

1135
00:57:11,619 --> 00:57:16,280
so then this other guy walks over to me

1136
00:57:14,150 --> 00:57:17,660
and he's holding a sign and the sign has

1137
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:20,240
my name on it and he's really excited

1138
00:57:17,659 --> 00:57:22,639
he's like he did you come did you come

1139
00:57:20,239 --> 00:57:24,919
come come eagle and all he cooks we grab

1140
00:57:22,639 --> 00:57:25,489
our luggage and we follow him outside to

1141
00:57:24,920 --> 00:57:28,639
the curb

1142
00:57:25,489 --> 00:57:29,569
they have three Lincoln Navigator SUVs

1143
00:57:28,639 --> 00:57:31,519
waiting for us

1144
00:57:29,570 --> 00:57:33,890
there's three comedians and there's

1145
00:57:31,519 --> 00:57:36,519
three cars we're so paranoid that we're

1146
00:57:33,889 --> 00:57:44,029
in the Middle East we all get in one car

1147
00:57:36,519 --> 00:57:46,400
we're sitting in there and we take off

1148
00:57:44,030 --> 00:57:48,890
we're heading towards downtown Riyadh

1149
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:51,260
okay now all I know up to this point

1150
00:57:48,889 --> 00:57:53,809
about my experience is that I've already

1151
00:57:51,260 --> 00:57:55,910
been paid my flights been taken care of

1152
00:57:53,809 --> 00:57:58,039
and I have a point person who I'm

1153
00:57:55,909 --> 00:58:00,079
supposed to meet at the airport who's

1154
00:57:58,039 --> 00:58:02,539
not there so I'm talking to the drivers

1155
00:58:00,079 --> 00:58:08,059
excuse me sir where's this guy it is

1156
00:58:02,539 --> 00:58:10,789
okay okay okay and for me it's not okay

1157
00:58:08,059 --> 00:58:13,130
because I researched Saudi Arabia and

1158
00:58:10,789 --> 00:58:15,858
you know you pick the rules in Singapore

1159
00:58:13,130 --> 00:58:18,079
are strict the rules of Saudi Arabia are

1160
00:58:15,858 --> 00:58:20,119
very very different okay and I don't

1161
00:58:18,079 --> 00:58:21,799
want to offend anyone and I want to make

1162
00:58:20,119 --> 00:58:24,230
sure that I don't say the wrong thing so

1163
00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:26,030
I need to know you know some I need some

1164
00:58:24,230 --> 00:58:27,800
info so I keep talking to the driver so

1165
00:58:26,030 --> 00:58:30,040
um sir would you mind helping me with

1166
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:34,609
some questions whatever you need you ask

1167
00:58:30,039 --> 00:58:37,400
okay um I apologize in advance if I come

1168
00:58:34,608 --> 00:58:39,858
across rude or disrespectful or ignorant

1169
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:41,900
but um how do you guys know about me

1170
00:58:39,858 --> 00:58:43,460
here in the Middle East what do you mean

1171
00:58:41,900 --> 00:58:44,269
how do we know yeah how do you know that

1172
00:58:43,460 --> 00:58:46,579
I'm a comedian

1173
00:58:44,269 --> 00:58:50,030
do you have Comedy Central or HBO or

1174
00:58:46,579 --> 00:58:51,659
Showtime what is that that's a no that's

1175
00:58:50,030 --> 00:58:53,519
what that is that's enough

1176
00:58:51,659 --> 00:58:57,629
how do you know that I'm an entertainer

1177
00:58:53,519 --> 00:59:00,329
Oh your videos you do my friend you do

1178
00:58:57,630 --> 00:59:02,550
your huge you're the number two most

1179
00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:05,429
famous comedian in all of the Middle

1180
00:59:02,550 --> 00:59:11,850
East number two you're kidding I am NOT

1181
00:59:05,429 --> 00:59:14,129
comedian I don't get no I'm the number

1182
00:59:11,849 --> 00:59:15,809
two most famous comedian in all of the

1183
00:59:14,130 --> 00:59:20,930
Middle East yes

1184
00:59:15,809 --> 00:59:20,929
who's number one Jeff Dunham

1185
00:59:27,869 --> 00:59:32,639
Jeff Dunham is the number-one comedian

1186
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:35,429
in the Middle East

1187
00:59:32,639 --> 00:59:38,659
you guys don't find him at all offensive

1188
00:59:35,429 --> 00:59:38,659
oh no

1189
00:59:51,719 --> 00:59:58,059
when I heard that you guys almost like

1190
00:59:54,820 --> 00:59:59,590
you know what they get it they get it so

1191
00:59:58,059 --> 01:00:01,059
I'm like we're cool we're sitting we're

1192
00:59:59,590 --> 01:00:03,910
driving we're heading towards downtown

1193
01:00:01,059 --> 01:00:05,829
all of a sudden the driver cuts the

1194
01:00:03,909 --> 01:00:07,989
wheel really hard and we get off the

1195
01:00:05,829 --> 01:00:10,719
freeway and now we're taking a side road

1196
01:00:07,989 --> 01:00:12,519
going away from the city and I'm like oh

1197
01:00:10,719 --> 01:00:14,799
excuse me where are we going

1198
01:00:12,519 --> 01:00:16,150
they're going to this show I go on it

1199
01:00:14,800 --> 01:00:18,100
says here that we're staying in the city

1200
01:00:16,150 --> 01:00:20,710
yes you're staying in the city but the

1201
01:00:18,099 --> 01:00:22,150
show is somewhere else that doesn't make

1202
01:00:20,710 --> 01:00:23,320
sense why would you have the show

1203
01:00:22,150 --> 01:00:25,539
somewhere else how come you don't have

1204
01:00:23,320 --> 01:00:28,330
it in the city and then he broke it down

1205
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:30,400
my friend here in rear it is very

1206
01:00:28,329 --> 01:00:33,340
different okay your type of

1207
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:35,440
entertainment is forbidden in the city

1208
01:00:33,340 --> 01:00:39,220
there are people called religious police

1209
01:00:35,440 --> 01:00:40,840
that hold up the traditions they keep it

1210
01:00:39,219 --> 01:00:42,849
so that is very traditional

1211
01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:45,160
it is not allowed the social gathering

1212
01:00:42,849 --> 01:00:48,150
is a no-no we must go somewhere secret

1213
01:00:45,159 --> 01:00:48,149
in the desert

1214
01:00:53,800 --> 01:00:59,450
all right um so how many people are you

1215
01:00:57,289 --> 01:01:00,920
guys expecting at the show easily

1216
01:00:59,449 --> 01:01:06,439
between seven to eight hundred people

1217
01:01:00,920 --> 01:01:07,789
that many I told you number two and sure

1218
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:09,230
enough you guys we pull up to this

1219
01:01:07,789 --> 01:01:11,659
racetrack in the middle of the desert

1220
01:01:09,230 --> 01:01:14,000
and there's uh there's a giant tent set

1221
01:01:11,659 --> 01:01:16,339
up next to it and there's there's 800

1222
01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:18,650
people roughly there for a comedy show

1223
01:01:16,340 --> 01:01:24,769
and as soon as we pull up as soon as we

1224
01:01:18,650 --> 01:01:26,240
pull over radio start popping up and I

1225
01:01:24,769 --> 01:01:31,639
keep hearing and all the radios to fetch

1226
01:01:26,239 --> 01:01:34,039
bluffing a fluffy fluffy fluffy all of a

1227
01:01:31,639 --> 01:01:35,960
sudden some guy runs up on the stage and

1228
01:01:34,039 --> 01:01:37,610
they hand him a microphone and he starts

1229
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:39,470
yelling to the crowd I don't know what

1230
01:01:37,610 --> 01:01:43,309
he's saying but I've seen enough hip-hop

1231
01:01:39,469 --> 01:01:54,579
to recognize a hype man oh yeah he's out

1232
01:01:43,309 --> 01:02:08,779
there and then I get the biggest

1233
01:01:54,579 --> 01:02:13,789
introduction of my life he and the crowd

1234
01:02:08,780 --> 01:02:16,100
starts going blah blah and when I heard

1235
01:02:13,789 --> 01:02:18,110
that I freaked out I was like oh my god

1236
01:02:16,099 --> 01:02:21,190
this is gonna be an amazing show so I

1237
01:02:18,110 --> 01:02:24,150
ran to the stage as fast as I could

1238
01:02:21,190 --> 01:02:26,099
I'm not a runner

1239
01:02:24,150 --> 01:02:28,110
I booked it to the stage you guys

1240
01:02:26,099 --> 01:02:31,769
because I was so excited and when I got

1241
01:02:28,110 --> 01:02:34,920
to the front it clicked that in Saudi

1242
01:02:31,769 --> 01:02:36,449
Arabia they still have segregation and I

1243
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:38,369
didn't find out till the last second

1244
01:02:36,449 --> 01:02:41,939
because I saw a line going down the

1245
01:02:38,369 --> 01:02:43,980
middle and on one side meant other side

1246
01:02:41,940 --> 01:02:47,490
women and all the women in the front row

1247
01:02:43,980 --> 01:02:51,210
were covered from head to toe all I saw

1248
01:02:47,489 --> 01:02:53,189
was this oh yeah I had no idea I was

1249
01:02:51,210 --> 01:02:55,280
performing for Assassin's Creed I didn't

1250
01:02:53,190 --> 01:02:55,280
know

1251
01:02:59,900 --> 01:03:07,280
it threw me out so bad you really glad

1252
01:03:02,989 --> 01:03:07,279
and I hey what's going on everybody

1253
01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:15,679
I froze I've been doing this for 15

1254
01:03:14,119 --> 01:03:17,660
years I don't freeze but that threw me

1255
01:03:15,679 --> 01:03:19,429
off so bad I didn't know what to say

1256
01:03:17,659 --> 01:03:21,858
all of a sudden men start yelling my

1257
01:03:19,429 --> 01:03:26,210
jokes at me my friend do the donkey the

1258
01:03:21,858 --> 01:03:32,509
donkey chocolate cake guy in the front

1259
01:03:26,210 --> 01:03:33,500
make fun of me hell no and the people

1260
01:03:32,510 --> 01:03:35,690
started laughing

1261
01:03:33,500 --> 01:03:37,550
the women were laughing just as hard as

1262
01:03:35,690 --> 01:03:38,960
the men you know granted some of them I

1263
01:03:37,550 --> 01:03:40,369
couldn't see but for the most part is

1264
01:03:38,960 --> 01:03:42,170
like and I'm not trying to be

1265
01:03:40,369 --> 01:03:44,059
disrespectful you know either leather

1266
01:03:42,170 --> 01:03:45,530
moving and laughing I even had fun with

1267
01:03:44,059 --> 01:03:48,789
one of the girls I said oh I saw your

1268
01:03:45,530 --> 01:03:52,819
neck you're going to get me in trouble

1269
01:03:48,789 --> 01:03:55,159
the Saudis had such an amazing sense of

1270
01:03:52,818 --> 01:03:56,750
humor they were laughing and carrying on

1271
01:03:55,159 --> 01:03:58,639
and I had no idea that we're gonna be

1272
01:03:56,750 --> 01:04:00,318
like that and then after the show I got

1273
01:03:58,639 --> 01:04:03,230
a chance to meet some of the locals and

1274
01:04:00,318 --> 01:04:05,329
one guy was almost in tears he was so

1275
01:04:03,230 --> 01:04:10,818
emotional he walks up to me and he's

1276
01:04:05,329 --> 01:04:16,329
just like I cannot believe that I am

1277
01:04:10,818 --> 01:04:16,329
standing here in front of you mr. fluffy

1278
01:04:16,630 --> 01:04:22,430
thank you Please Please when you return

1279
01:04:20,269 --> 01:04:24,650
to United States or wherever you travel

1280
01:04:22,429 --> 01:04:26,419
let the people know what you saw okay

1281
01:04:24,650 --> 01:04:28,190
let them know that we're not all bad

1282
01:04:26,420 --> 01:04:31,130
that we're not all those bad people from

1283
01:04:28,190 --> 01:04:33,740
Fox News okay you let them know because

1284
01:04:31,130 --> 01:04:35,900
we see Fox News and Fox News believes

1285
01:04:33,739 --> 01:04:38,479
everybody in Middle East is bad

1286
01:04:35,900 --> 01:04:38,990
everybody's terrorist everybody has a

1287
01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:41,420
bomb

1288
01:04:38,989 --> 01:04:43,578
he has a bomb he has about he has a bomb

1289
01:04:41,420 --> 01:04:46,039
Oprah is here giving away bombs to

1290
01:04:43,579 --> 01:04:52,440
everybody everybody

1291
01:04:46,039 --> 01:04:55,088
[Applause]

1292
01:04:52,440 --> 01:04:56,798
please you let them know we're not all

1293
01:04:55,088 --> 01:05:13,929
bad people okay we are not all

1294
01:04:56,798 --> 01:05:17,978
terrorists my cousin he is raising my

1295
01:05:13,929 --> 01:05:19,629
blood pressure every 7 seconds and then

1296
01:05:17,978 --> 01:05:22,598
he starts breaking it down for me how

1297
01:05:19,630 --> 01:05:24,999
stand-up comedy is starting to bring

1298
01:05:22,599 --> 01:05:26,859
people together in the Middle East and

1299
01:05:24,998 --> 01:05:28,389
how he's starting to do you know he's

1300
01:05:26,858 --> 01:05:30,880
doing comedy it's really crazy the

1301
01:05:28,389 --> 01:05:35,228
conversation you know in here in Saudi

1302
01:05:30,880 --> 01:05:37,690
Arabia people they like watching the

1303
01:05:35,228 --> 01:05:39,429
stand-up comedy because we love to laugh

1304
01:05:37,690 --> 01:05:41,798
okay we love to laugh it's great to

1305
01:05:39,429 --> 01:05:43,478
laugh and people don't think that people

1306
01:05:41,798 --> 01:05:45,608
in Middle East have sense of humor they

1307
01:05:43,478 --> 01:05:47,618
see videos they see TV they think we are

1308
01:05:45,608 --> 01:05:49,358
the same they say om it'll listen people

1309
01:05:47,619 --> 01:05:51,309
are all angry look at their face they're

1310
01:05:49,358 --> 01:05:53,288
angry everybody angry everybody mad

1311
01:05:51,309 --> 01:05:58,859
everybody angry my friend we're not

1312
01:05:53,289 --> 01:06:01,299
angry he's hot okay this 117 degrees

1313
01:05:58,858 --> 01:06:03,338
everybody is not mad they're hot look at

1314
01:06:01,298 --> 01:06:05,798
everybody has a hot face hot waist

1315
01:06:03,338 --> 01:06:09,268
everybody hot face I promise you give me

1316
01:06:05,798 --> 01:06:09,268
air conditioning I am so happy

1317
01:06:16,159 --> 01:06:21,299
we are okay we love to laugh I've been

1318
01:06:19,380 --> 01:06:25,200
doing the stand-up comedy for about the

1319
01:06:21,300 --> 01:06:25,560
six months now and I have jokes good for

1320
01:06:25,199 --> 01:06:29,819
you

1321
01:06:25,559 --> 01:06:30,210
Matt right oh great all right man go

1322
01:06:29,820 --> 01:06:37,760
ahead

1323
01:06:30,210 --> 01:06:43,280
okay okay okay here we go

1324
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:47,540
two Jews walk into a bar

1325
01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:47,540
not in my country

1326
01:06:52,570 --> 01:06:59,050
man gonna get my ass arrested bro we

1327
01:06:56,800 --> 01:07:01,269
wound up doing shows all over the Middle

1328
01:06:59,050 --> 01:07:03,970
East we were in Riyadh Bahrain Dubai

1329
01:07:01,269 --> 01:07:06,219
Qatar Doha and each show you guys was

1330
01:07:03,969 --> 01:07:08,409
more amazing than the last show not

1331
01:07:06,219 --> 01:07:10,149
because there were so many people but

1332
01:07:08,409 --> 01:07:12,579
because the people were friendly they

1333
01:07:10,150 --> 01:07:14,110
were fun they got all the references I

1334
01:07:12,579 --> 01:07:15,400
couldn't get over that I honestly

1335
01:07:14,110 --> 01:07:18,789
thought that they were gonna be like the

1336
01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:21,039
people from Fox News and I felt terrible

1337
01:07:18,789 --> 01:07:21,519
I felt terrible because I was judging

1338
01:07:21,039 --> 01:07:23,050
them

1339
01:07:21,519 --> 01:07:24,489
I was prejudging them and I thought that

1340
01:07:23,050 --> 01:07:26,110
they were gonna be a certain way and I

1341
01:07:24,489 --> 01:07:27,099
felt bad because all those years people

1342
01:07:26,110 --> 01:07:28,780
were doing that to me

1343
01:07:27,099 --> 01:07:30,579
not really giving me a chance and I was

1344
01:07:28,780 --> 01:07:32,830
over there doing the same thing I felt

1345
01:07:30,579 --> 01:07:35,920
so bad and then when I met the prince I

1346
01:07:32,829 --> 01:07:37,299
was still judging 19 years old and he's

1347
01:07:35,920 --> 01:07:39,670
a prince I thought he was gonna be a

1348
01:07:37,300 --> 01:07:44,650
brat he walks up to me and I was already

1349
01:07:39,670 --> 01:07:46,690
like what's up I fail to realize that

1350
01:07:44,650 --> 01:07:49,389
he's a prince and he was brought up to

1351
01:07:46,690 --> 01:07:52,440
be a prince the way he carried himself

1352
01:07:49,389 --> 01:07:59,460
he intimidated me in about 18 seconds

1353
01:07:52,440 --> 01:07:59,460
okay I'm 36 and I mean almost he's like

1354
01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:11,889
really excuse me

1355
01:08:03,840 --> 01:08:13,990
Gabriel Gabriel Gabriel I understand

1356
01:08:11,889 --> 01:08:16,149
that your name is Gabriel but in the

1357
01:08:13,989 --> 01:08:20,369
Arabic language your name is Jibril I

1358
01:08:16,149 --> 01:08:20,369
was welcoming you in our language

1359
01:08:20,699 --> 01:08:24,019
[Music]

1360
01:08:30,779 --> 01:08:40,859
and I started already imagining what was

1361
01:08:33,000 --> 01:08:43,500
gonna happen I'm so sorry I'm so sorry

1362
01:08:40,859 --> 01:08:45,509
and he was so nice you guys he's like I

1363
01:08:43,500 --> 01:08:47,850
want to thank you for coming here to

1364
01:08:45,509 --> 01:08:49,798
Riyadh in doing all of these shows it

1365
01:08:47,850 --> 01:08:51,810
was so beautiful to see everyone having

1366
01:08:49,798 --> 01:08:53,670
such an amazing time from the little

1367
01:08:51,810 --> 01:08:56,310
children in attendance all the way to

1368
01:08:53,670 --> 01:08:58,440
the elderly people with a king everyone

1369
01:08:56,310 --> 01:08:59,160
had an amazing time everyone it was

1370
01:08:58,439 --> 01:09:02,028
beautiful

1371
01:08:59,159 --> 01:09:06,899
okay beautiful religious people laughing

1372
01:09:02,029 --> 01:09:13,620
religious beliefs nothing they don't

1373
01:09:06,899 --> 01:09:15,778
laugh at shit I want you to understand

1374
01:09:13,619 --> 01:09:17,970
how big this is there was an American

1375
01:09:15,779 --> 01:09:19,830
here entertaining people from Middle

1376
01:09:17,970 --> 01:09:22,109
East there was no violence no bloodshed

1377
01:09:19,829 --> 01:09:23,939
no problems everybody was smiling

1378
01:09:22,109 --> 01:09:25,740
everybody was getting along it is

1379
01:09:23,939 --> 01:09:27,869
possible an American was here an

1380
01:09:25,739 --> 01:09:30,838
American was here he kept saying

1381
01:09:27,869 --> 01:09:32,880
American American American freaking ten

1382
01:09:30,838 --> 01:09:34,350
years be called a Latino comic I had to

1383
01:09:32,880 --> 01:09:38,359
go all the way around the world to

1384
01:09:34,350 --> 01:09:38,359
finally get called America

1385
01:09:45,979 --> 01:09:52,000
I was excited I was like say it again

1386
01:09:48,259 --> 01:09:54,140
American and then I had the most surreal

1387
01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:56,840
conversation I have ever had with the

1388
01:09:54,140 --> 01:09:58,940
person he looks at me and he says I want

1389
01:09:56,840 --> 01:10:01,279
to thank you for everything I want to

1390
01:09:58,939 --> 01:10:03,649
invite you and your friends to come to

1391
01:10:01,279 --> 01:10:06,859
my palace so that I may entertain you

1392
01:10:03,649 --> 01:10:08,929
look are you freaking kidding me I am

1393
01:10:06,859 --> 01:10:11,569
NOT getting invited to a palace by a

1394
01:10:08,929 --> 01:10:13,489
prince oh my god up until this point my

1395
01:10:11,569 --> 01:10:19,009
only experience with royalty was a

1396
01:10:13,488 --> 01:10:22,579
Burger King drive-thru all of a sudden

1397
01:10:19,010 --> 01:10:24,320
one of those SUVs pulls up and a guy

1398
01:10:22,579 --> 01:10:26,420
jumps out in a suit and I guess his

1399
01:10:24,319 --> 01:10:32,289
favorite word was please cuz that's all

1400
01:10:26,420 --> 01:10:32,289
he said please please please please

1401
01:10:33,840 --> 01:10:40,560
please please please like are you

1402
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,729
kidding me there's a man in a suit

1403
01:10:40,560 --> 01:10:43,260
trying to get me in the back of a

1404
01:10:41,729 --> 01:10:45,209
Lincoln Navigator and there's a prince

1405
01:10:43,260 --> 01:11:00,060
invited me to his palace I'm not gonna

1406
01:10:45,210 --> 01:11:01,710
lie I felt like a hot chick we get to

1407
01:11:00,060 --> 01:11:04,050
the front of his palace you guys I'm not

1408
01:11:01,710 --> 01:11:06,449
gonna lie it didn't look like a palace

1409
01:11:04,050 --> 01:11:08,220
the walls are really high there's Bob

1410
01:11:06,449 --> 01:11:09,479
wire around the entire property and

1411
01:11:08,220 --> 01:11:12,000
there's two guys in the front with

1412
01:11:09,479 --> 01:11:15,899
machine guns I'm looking at this and I'm

1413
01:11:12,000 --> 01:11:17,729
like opposed and I started thinking what

1414
01:11:15,899 --> 01:11:20,819
if I'm on some messed-up episode of

1415
01:11:17,729 --> 01:11:22,379
Middle Eastern Punk'd here in a like you

1416
01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:25,039
don't want to ballet as you go to prison

1417
01:11:22,380 --> 01:11:25,039
and your body

1418
01:11:25,970 --> 01:11:30,360
fortunately the doors opened up and we

1419
01:11:28,439 --> 01:11:32,519
drive in and then they closed and when

1420
01:11:30,359 --> 01:11:33,210
we got outside you guys what we saw was

1421
01:11:32,520 --> 01:11:37,200
amazing

1422
01:11:33,210 --> 01:11:40,170
outside desert inside palm trees bushes

1423
01:11:37,199 --> 01:11:42,720
shrubs a pond and he had exotic pets

1424
01:11:40,170 --> 01:11:56,880
I know exotic pets cuz I know what I

1425
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:59,190
have over there freaking zebra monkeys

1426
01:11:56,880 --> 01:12:01,529
and he had a freaking boa constrictor

1427
01:11:59,189 --> 01:12:04,049
look are you kidding me snakes monkeys a

1428
01:12:01,529 --> 01:12:06,829
zebra and a tiger oh my god that makes

1429
01:12:04,050 --> 01:12:06,829
me Kung Fu Panda

1430
01:12:13,520 --> 01:12:19,469
and I started thinking what if he

1431
01:12:15,779 --> 01:12:22,229
decides to keep me it sounds messed up

1432
01:12:19,469 --> 01:12:23,760
but let me explain as an American you

1433
01:12:22,229 --> 01:12:25,769
cannot just purchase an airline ticket

1434
01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:28,350
to go to Saudi Arabia you have to be

1435
01:12:25,770 --> 01:12:30,420
invited by a person of power you know

1436
01:12:28,350 --> 01:12:31,920
when I left Detroit to go over there I

1437
01:12:30,420 --> 01:12:33,960
had to fill out a form that says I

1438
01:12:31,920 --> 01:12:36,239
understand that I'm going to Saudi

1439
01:12:33,960 --> 01:12:37,829
Arabia and should something happen to me

1440
01:12:36,238 --> 01:12:40,500
one of those things on the list being

1441
01:12:37,829 --> 01:12:44,880
kidnapping conveniently right above

1442
01:12:40,500 --> 01:12:46,550
death America is not responsible the

1443
01:12:44,880 --> 01:12:49,050
prince could have actually your mind

1444
01:12:46,550 --> 01:12:51,750
two weeks later now he's showing someone

1445
01:12:49,050 --> 01:12:54,210
else around it is my snake at this my

1446
01:12:51,750 --> 01:12:57,810
zebra that is my Mexican that is my

1447
01:12:54,210 --> 01:13:00,289
tiger your SATA some little boxes is

1448
01:12:57,810 --> 01:13:00,289
gibreel

1449
01:13:03,289 --> 01:13:08,219
but it never happened and we're walking

1450
01:13:06,060 --> 01:13:10,650
around and I actually pulled him aside

1451
01:13:08,219 --> 01:13:11,550
for a second I said listen up I gotta

1452
01:13:10,649 --> 01:13:14,429
tell you something

1453
01:13:11,550 --> 01:13:16,590
well you tell me I need to apologize

1454
01:13:14,430 --> 01:13:19,320
what did you do I didn't do anything I

1455
01:13:16,590 --> 01:13:21,420
just want to apologize for coming here

1456
01:13:19,319 --> 01:13:24,299
with the wrong mentality I says

1457
01:13:21,420 --> 01:13:25,859
unfortunately I thought they just you

1458
01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:27,300
know because it is the Middle East I

1459
01:13:25,859 --> 01:13:29,909
thought you guys were gonna be rude and

1460
01:13:27,300 --> 01:13:32,520
everybody's been nothing but nice ah I

1461
01:13:29,909 --> 01:13:34,529
know I didn't think you guys were gonna

1462
01:13:32,520 --> 01:13:36,210
speak English so well and understand you

1463
01:13:34,529 --> 01:13:39,960
know so many references and you guys get

1464
01:13:36,210 --> 01:13:42,480
everything ah I know I thought you guys

1465
01:13:39,960 --> 01:13:44,750
were gonna throw rocks but you were

1466
01:13:42,479 --> 01:13:44,750
funny

1467
01:13:49,010 --> 01:13:56,099
what never mind

1468
01:13:52,590 --> 01:13:58,949
what a three wearing so we're walking

1469
01:13:56,099 --> 01:13:59,849
and he's showing me this and that and

1470
01:13:58,948 --> 01:14:01,259
I'm we're just kind of like looking

1471
01:13:59,849 --> 01:14:03,000
around I thought it was great and then I

1472
01:14:01,260 --> 01:14:05,400
saw something that freaked me out

1473
01:14:03,000 --> 01:14:08,158
we're walking in the direction of a

1474
01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:13,558
giant cage and when I saw the cage I

1475
01:14:08,158 --> 01:14:17,969
stopped like what's with the cage dick

1476
01:14:13,559 --> 01:14:20,400
look great so I walk over towards the

1477
01:14:17,969 --> 01:14:21,420
cage and I look inside and I noticed

1478
01:14:20,399 --> 01:14:23,250
that there's birds in there

1479
01:14:21,420 --> 01:14:25,050
and I go okay cool it's a bird cage he

1480
01:14:23,250 --> 01:14:25,469
got off and in here there's not regular

1481
01:14:25,050 --> 01:14:28,079
birds

1482
01:14:25,469 --> 01:14:30,389
those are Falcons like okay well you

1483
01:14:28,078 --> 01:14:33,000
have a lot of Falcons oh you use a

1484
01:14:30,389 --> 01:14:35,599
Falcons for hunting you hunt Falcons no

1485
01:14:33,000 --> 01:14:38,520
no no no each Falcon is very expensive

1486
01:14:35,599 --> 01:14:40,078
100,000 US dollars they are trained we

1487
01:14:38,520 --> 01:14:42,599
go out and we shoot a little animal and

1488
01:14:40,078 --> 01:14:49,979
we send a Falcon three three would you

1489
01:14:42,599 --> 01:14:52,369
like to see no no no before I know it

1490
01:14:49,979 --> 01:14:53,669
here comes the other guy please please

1491
01:14:52,368 --> 01:14:55,889
please

1492
01:14:53,670 --> 01:14:57,328
and he goes inside the cage and he puts

1493
01:14:55,889 --> 01:14:59,010
on this leather glove that comes up to

1494
01:14:57,328 --> 01:15:00,988
his elbow and he starts getting one of

1495
01:14:59,010 --> 01:15:02,610
the Falcons I'm watching him do this and

1496
01:15:00,988 --> 01:15:04,558
I noticed all the Falcons are on these

1497
01:15:02,609 --> 01:15:06,750
perches about this high and there's

1498
01:15:04,559 --> 01:15:09,869
about 15 in a row and they all have

1499
01:15:06,750 --> 01:15:11,729
hoods covering their eyes and I asked

1500
01:15:09,868 --> 01:15:16,179
them why do they have hoods on their

1501
01:15:11,729 --> 01:15:19,658
eyes man they look like little hostages

1502
01:15:16,179 --> 01:15:21,640
shit sorry bro

1503
01:15:19,658 --> 01:15:26,289
I'm sorry I meant no disrespect five

1504
01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:26,800
Hannah seriously no no disrespect I was

1505
01:15:26,289 --> 01:15:28,810
a slip

1506
01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:37,539
anyone's cool I understand Middle East

1507
01:15:28,810 --> 01:15:38,860
hostage so the other guy comes out and

1508
01:15:37,539 --> 01:15:40,750
he's got a Falcon with him and he's got

1509
01:15:38,859 --> 01:15:43,119
a glove and he hands me the glove and I

1510
01:15:40,750 --> 01:15:45,520
put it on and he transfers his Falcon to

1511
01:15:43,119 --> 01:15:47,439
my arm and all of a sudden he starts

1512
01:15:45,520 --> 01:15:49,330
doing snapping things and he's basically

1513
01:15:47,439 --> 01:15:50,529
showing me that the Falcons trained and

1514
01:15:49,329 --> 01:15:51,969
I thought that was grandpa we're gonna

1515
01:15:50,529 --> 01:15:53,710
kill something I'm like no but we were

1516
01:15:51,969 --> 01:15:55,569
just playing with the Falcon and I

1517
01:15:53,710 --> 01:15:57,489
started getting excited you know and the

1518
01:15:55,569 --> 01:15:59,829
more excited I got the more the Prince

1519
01:15:57,488 --> 01:16:01,479
started showing his age cuz then he got

1520
01:15:59,829 --> 01:16:04,600
excited I'm like this is great it is

1521
01:16:01,479 --> 01:16:06,609
great yes this is so cool so cool my

1522
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:11,070
cards are lucky to have so many Falcons

1523
01:16:06,609 --> 01:16:12,849
I am so lucky would you like a falcon so

1524
01:16:11,069 --> 01:16:13,269
matter-of-fact like would you like a

1525
01:16:12,850 --> 01:16:17,380
cookie

1526
01:16:13,270 --> 01:16:19,659
would you like a falcon same way are you

1527
01:16:17,380 --> 01:16:21,670
kidding me don't give me a falcon that

1528
01:16:19,658 --> 01:16:28,269
can retrieve things shoo you think I'm

1529
01:16:21,670 --> 01:16:30,190
lazy now hell no don't give me a bone

1530
01:16:28,270 --> 01:16:33,650
I wouldn't even leave the house I'd be

1531
01:16:30,189 --> 01:16:35,839
at the front door doughnuts

1532
01:16:33,649 --> 01:16:37,789
and who the hell is gonna watch my

1533
01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:39,079
Falcon when I'm up here performing I

1534
01:16:37,789 --> 01:16:41,539
can't leave it with my buddy might have

1535
01:16:39,079 --> 01:16:43,369
been in the back you know he would abuse

1536
01:16:41,539 --> 01:16:49,769
it take it to some nightclub try to hook

1537
01:16:43,369 --> 01:16:52,750
up with that freakin hit the redhead

1538
01:16:49,770 --> 01:16:58,640
[Applause]

1539
01:16:52,750 --> 01:17:00,470
two weeks later this is bullshit no man

1540
01:16:58,640 --> 01:17:03,440
we were out there you guys in the Middle

1541
01:17:00,470 --> 01:17:11,470
East for over two weeks and after two

1542
01:17:03,439 --> 01:17:11,469
weeks of being there hey sit down

1543
01:17:24,248 --> 01:17:27,269
hi Mary

1544
01:17:25,729 --> 01:17:34,859
[Applause]

1545
01:17:27,270 --> 01:17:36,690
oh just like the last special where I

1546
01:17:34,859 --> 01:17:37,679
started talking about Chico's tacos next

1547
01:17:36,689 --> 01:17:39,299
thing you know people all over the world

1548
01:17:37,680 --> 01:17:41,280
talking about Chico's tacos

1549
01:17:39,300 --> 01:17:42,510
after this special comes out they're

1550
01:17:41,279 --> 01:17:45,399
gonna be people all over the world

1551
01:17:42,510 --> 01:17:54,079
calling each other ma who's

1552
01:17:45,399 --> 01:17:57,170
[Applause]

1553
01:17:54,079 --> 01:17:57,170
[Music]

1554
01:17:58,738 --> 01:18:06,869
so you guys I wanted to find a very

1555
01:18:03,710 --> 01:18:09,899
special way to close out this event and

1556
01:18:06,869 --> 01:18:13,319
I thought it would be great if I could

1557
01:18:09,899 --> 01:18:16,019
tell an old story that was from years

1558
01:18:13,319 --> 01:18:18,960
ago that never made it to a one-hour

1559
01:18:16,020 --> 01:18:20,910
special and the cool part about this

1560
01:18:18,960 --> 01:18:28,079
story is that it it now has a different

1561
01:18:20,909 --> 01:18:37,229
ending the story is called the gift

1562
01:18:28,079 --> 01:18:39,149
basket some of you know it some of you

1563
01:18:37,229 --> 01:18:43,829
don't know it but after this you're

1564
01:18:39,149 --> 01:18:45,449
never gonna forget it all you have to

1565
01:18:43,829 --> 01:18:47,670
know about this story is that all the

1566
01:18:45,449 --> 01:18:50,069
people involved have always been and

1567
01:18:47,670 --> 01:18:56,159
will continue to be friends that being

1568
01:18:50,069 --> 01:18:59,099
said Matt Athena and I all the good ones

1569
01:18:56,159 --> 01:19:00,869
start like that Matt Athena and I are

1570
01:18:59,100 --> 01:19:03,750
scheduled to perform in Northern

1571
01:19:00,869 --> 01:19:05,340
California usually we fly but this

1572
01:19:03,750 --> 01:19:07,859
particular day I was having a problem

1573
01:19:05,340 --> 01:19:10,409
with Southwest Airlines they wanted me

1574
01:19:07,859 --> 01:19:12,839
to pay for an extra seat for someone who

1575
01:19:10,409 --> 01:19:16,340
wasn't traveling with me

1576
01:19:12,840 --> 01:19:18,600
take your time you'll figure it out

1577
01:19:16,340 --> 01:19:20,220
anyway I tell my Dafina I'm not paying

1578
01:19:18,600 --> 01:19:23,970
for an extra seat let's just drive at

1579
01:19:20,220 --> 01:19:25,409
six hours so we headed north

1580
01:19:23,970 --> 01:19:27,119
three hours under the drive we're

1581
01:19:25,409 --> 01:19:28,829
passing through a city called Fresno and

1582
01:19:27,119 --> 01:19:31,470
as we're passing a Fresno five five nine

1583
01:19:28,829 --> 01:19:33,149
different way anyway as we're passing

1584
01:19:31,470 --> 01:19:35,070
through Fresno we start seeing

1585
01:19:33,149 --> 01:19:37,979
billboards off the side of the freeway

1586
01:19:35,069 --> 01:19:41,189
that said performing this weekend at the

1587
01:19:37,979 --> 01:19:43,679
Radisson Hotel directly from BET's

1588
01:19:41,189 --> 01:19:46,529
comicview and Showtime at the Apollo

1589
01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:49,020
comedian G Reilly and I look at my

1590
01:19:46,529 --> 01:19:50,340
Athena go oh shoot she's in town yeah I

1591
01:19:49,020 --> 01:19:51,810
haven't seen G in years

1592
01:19:50,340 --> 01:19:54,090
so we're like let's stop by the hotel

1593
01:19:51,810 --> 01:19:59,250
and say hi so we pull into the parking

1594
01:19:54,090 --> 01:20:01,079
lot we walk in I tell him out of bean he

1595
01:19:59,250 --> 01:20:02,489
doesn't know we're here I'm gonna crank

1596
01:20:01,079 --> 01:20:04,140
call his room cuz what were you gonna

1597
01:20:02,489 --> 01:20:06,269
say I said I'm gonna tell him that I'm

1598
01:20:04,140 --> 01:20:08,160
the front desk and that he just received

1599
01:20:06,270 --> 01:20:11,340
a gift basket cuz what's so funny about

1600
01:20:08,159 --> 01:20:12,989
a gift basket I said I'm gonna describe

1601
01:20:11,340 --> 01:20:14,640
it over the phone and I'm gonna make all

1602
01:20:12,989 --> 01:20:16,369
the items that are in this imaginary

1603
01:20:14,640 --> 01:20:18,720
basket become items that's

1604
01:20:16,369 --> 01:20:21,449
stereotypically a black person might

1605
01:20:18,720 --> 01:20:23,010
like it's you crazy I said I'll tell you

1606
01:20:21,449 --> 01:20:24,539
what we got two hours to kill how about

1607
01:20:23,010 --> 01:20:28,530
this how about we go to the supermarket

1608
01:20:24,539 --> 01:20:30,720
and we make an actual racist gift basket

1609
01:20:28,529 --> 01:20:33,000
and we'll have it delivered and we'll

1610
01:20:30,720 --> 01:20:37,590
wait outside to see what happens I said

1611
01:20:33,000 --> 01:20:39,750
are you down we go to a store and we

1612
01:20:37,590 --> 01:20:42,000
start to design the sickest practical

1613
01:20:39,750 --> 01:20:43,829
joke ever I get a shopping cart and I'm

1614
01:20:42,000 --> 01:20:45,539
like all right we need a basket so I

1615
01:20:43,829 --> 01:20:47,039
find one I take out the grass the

1616
01:20:45,539 --> 01:20:49,319
plastic eggs and the chocolate rabbits

1617
01:20:47,039 --> 01:20:51,899
and we started hitting the aisles first

1618
01:20:49,319 --> 01:20:53,479
item I grabbed is a Fried Chicken about

1619
01:20:51,899 --> 01:21:00,889
that big

1620
01:20:53,479 --> 01:21:02,329
see how quick that laugh was a few black

1621
01:21:00,890 --> 01:21:04,930
people in here like motherfucker this

1622
01:21:02,329 --> 01:21:04,930
better be funny

1623
01:21:08,349 --> 01:21:11,929
it's hysterical let me just finish the

1624
01:21:10,849 --> 01:21:14,210
story and then you could judge me in the

1625
01:21:11,929 --> 01:21:15,920
parking lot so anyway then my peen hands

1626
01:21:14,210 --> 01:21:18,710
me a miniature watermelon and I put it

1627
01:21:15,920 --> 01:21:21,078
next to the fried chicken here's where

1628
01:21:18,710 --> 01:21:23,059
it gets interesting employees of the

1629
01:21:21,078 --> 01:21:26,210
store find out what we're doing and they

1630
01:21:23,059 --> 01:21:29,090
start volunteering to help us finish the

1631
01:21:26,210 --> 01:21:32,529
basket half of the employees were black

1632
01:21:29,090 --> 01:21:35,779
which made it so much more accurate

1633
01:21:32,529 --> 01:21:37,340
aisle after aisle one guy was stocking a

1634
01:21:35,779 --> 01:21:38,960
shelf he was an older white guy and

1635
01:21:37,340 --> 01:21:40,610
we're like sir can you help us what do

1636
01:21:38,960 --> 01:21:42,050
you need my buddy my Tina and I are

1637
01:21:40,609 --> 01:21:43,908
trying to make this messed up racist

1638
01:21:42,050 --> 01:21:45,529
gift basket for our black friend as a

1639
01:21:43,908 --> 01:21:46,879
practical joke can you think of

1640
01:21:45,529 --> 01:21:49,210
something we could put in there without

1641
01:21:46,880 --> 01:21:54,800
even blinking an eye the guy was like

1642
01:21:49,210 --> 01:21:57,139
have kool aid set the end of the aisle

1643
01:21:54,800 --> 01:21:58,400
on the right malt liquors an X ray all

1644
01:21:57,139 --> 01:22:00,380
over in the back of the store in the

1645
01:21:58,399 --> 01:22:02,658
freezer section it's on sale two-for-one

1646
01:22:00,380 --> 01:22:05,000
by the time we get to the register all

1647
01:22:02,658 --> 01:22:06,408
these different employees plus us came

1648
01:22:05,000 --> 01:22:09,020
up with the basket the Hat

1649
01:22:06,408 --> 01:22:11,509
fried chicken watermelon kool-aid grape

1650
01:22:09,020 --> 01:22:14,420
soda barbecue potato chips sunflower

1651
01:22:11,510 --> 01:22:17,449
seeds an ebony magazine a Chris Rock DVD

1652
01:22:14,420 --> 01:22:19,908
called bigger and blacker Magnum condoms

1653
01:22:17,448 --> 01:22:21,799
Newport cigarettes a rack of ribs the

1654
01:22:19,908 --> 01:22:25,598
recipe for cornbread it was getting

1655
01:22:21,800 --> 01:22:28,309
bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger

1656
01:22:25,599 --> 01:22:30,289
icing on the cake we find a greeting

1657
01:22:28,309 --> 01:22:32,539
card that's on clearance from Halloween

1658
01:22:30,289 --> 01:22:37,639
and it has a picture of three ghosts on

1659
01:22:32,539 --> 01:22:39,738
the cover wearing sheets I tear off the

1660
01:22:37,639 --> 01:22:41,868
half that says happy Halloween and on

1661
01:22:39,738 --> 01:22:46,459
the back of the card I write welcome to

1662
01:22:41,868 --> 01:22:48,380
Fresno love the Chamber of Commerce and

1663
01:22:46,460 --> 01:22:50,300
we stick it to the basket we made it all

1664
01:22:48,380 --> 01:22:52,020
nice and pretty and we haul ass to the

1665
01:22:50,300 --> 01:22:57,329
hotel

1666
01:22:52,020 --> 01:23:00,750
we pull up we walk in the basket is hot

1667
01:22:57,329 --> 01:23:02,850
as hell so I'm racing it I get inside

1668
01:23:00,750 --> 01:23:05,550
and I put it on the counter as fast as I

1669
01:23:02,850 --> 01:23:08,910
can bro it's too perfect there's a black

1670
01:23:05,550 --> 01:23:16,590
girl behind the front desk as soon as I

1671
01:23:08,909 --> 01:23:22,050
put the basket down I hear is that

1672
01:23:16,590 --> 01:23:23,850
chicken Oh hold on what is it let me

1673
01:23:22,050 --> 01:23:25,619
explain my name is Gabriel this is my

1674
01:23:23,850 --> 01:23:27,030
Athene we're a couple of comedians and

1675
01:23:25,619 --> 01:23:29,309
we're about to play a really crazy

1676
01:23:27,029 --> 01:23:30,899
practical joke on a friend of ours who's

1677
01:23:29,310 --> 01:23:34,170
staying here tonight by the name of

1678
01:23:30,899 --> 01:23:35,789
jeera Lee who's also a comedian I woulda

1679
01:23:34,170 --> 01:23:37,050
won this on the science on the free went

1680
01:23:35,789 --> 01:23:39,300
yet I won this on the science on the

1681
01:23:37,050 --> 01:23:40,980
freeway so as a practical joke we went

1682
01:23:39,300 --> 01:23:43,800
to the store and we made this messed up

1683
01:23:40,979 --> 01:23:48,259
racist gift basket that's that's why you

1684
01:23:43,800 --> 01:23:52,109
can smell fried chicken and she was like

1685
01:23:48,260 --> 01:23:52,109
[Music]

1686
01:23:53,920 --> 01:24:00,828
you need Jesus that's a jewel named Gigi

1687
01:23:58,788 --> 01:24:02,569
girl you better hang up that phone

1688
01:24:00,828 --> 01:24:05,538
you ain't gonna believe what I'm looking

1689
01:24:02,569 --> 01:24:07,368
at over here girl listen we think it

1690
01:24:05,538 --> 01:24:10,460
would be hysterical if we could have you

1691
01:24:07,368 --> 01:24:14,149
deliver the basket for us she lost it

1692
01:24:10,460 --> 01:24:16,189
oh the hell you didn't I know you didn't

1693
01:24:14,149 --> 01:24:23,089
just ask me to take that to a black man

1694
01:24:16,189 --> 01:24:25,848
you are damn olá give me the strength to

1695
01:24:23,090 --> 01:24:34,550
not kill this big-ass Mexican over here

1696
01:24:25,849 --> 01:24:37,429
long okay look here nacho libre I don't

1697
01:24:34,550 --> 01:24:40,369
care who you are I am NOT doing it hail

1698
01:24:37,429 --> 01:24:41,180
now I'll give you 50 bucks where that

1699
01:24:40,368 --> 01:24:44,839
motherfucker

1700
01:24:41,180 --> 01:24:44,840
[Laughter]

1701
01:24:50,488 --> 01:24:55,479
we follow her to the hotel room she

1702
01:24:53,529 --> 01:24:57,909
knocks on the door might have been and I

1703
01:24:55,479 --> 01:25:00,609
hide by the elevator on the floor she

1704
01:24:57,909 --> 01:25:02,380
knocks she opens the door sees a

1705
01:25:00,609 --> 01:25:04,750
beautiful black woman standing there

1706
01:25:02,380 --> 01:25:06,340
with a gift basket this is for you baby

1707
01:25:04,750 --> 01:25:09,279
he says thank you

1708
01:25:06,340 --> 01:25:11,199
closes the door she walks away and she

1709
01:25:09,279 --> 01:25:16,479
sees us on the ground hiding right and

1710
01:25:11,199 --> 01:25:18,099
she's like y'all still gonna Hale we get

1711
01:25:16,479 --> 01:25:20,968
up and we walk over to the door and we

1712
01:25:18,100 --> 01:25:32,079
put our ears listen this is what we hear

1713
01:25:20,969 --> 01:25:35,140
inside oh cool a he's getting excited

1714
01:25:32,079 --> 01:25:37,449
over every single item he's pulling out

1715
01:25:35,140 --> 01:25:39,789
of the basket he gets to the greeting

1716
01:25:37,449 --> 01:25:42,069
card what kind of Fresno love the

1717
01:25:39,789 --> 01:25:44,140
Chamber of Commerce hell yeah then we

1718
01:25:42,069 --> 01:25:47,079
feel him flipping the card over because

1719
01:25:44,140 --> 01:25:51,940
his voice changed he's like oh yeah man

1720
01:25:47,079 --> 01:25:55,390
is it what the fuck outside the door we

1721
01:25:51,939 --> 01:25:59,229
heard racist bastards well we heard

1722
01:25:55,390 --> 01:26:04,680
racist bastards we lost it housekeeping

1723
01:25:59,229 --> 01:26:04,679
is freaking out Kendall status

1724
01:26:05,119 --> 01:26:10,739
Kendyl we're laughing we're crying we

1725
01:26:08,340 --> 01:26:13,860
got boogers coming out we can't take it

1726
01:26:10,739 --> 01:26:16,289
anymore we knock on the door he yells

1727
01:26:13,859 --> 01:26:22,529
who is it too easy

1728
01:26:16,289 --> 01:26:24,630
Chamber of Commerce he rushes the Thor I

1729
01:26:22,529 --> 01:26:26,880
put my finger on the people so he can't

1730
01:26:24,630 --> 01:26:29,130
see who it is right the knob starts to

1731
01:26:26,880 --> 01:26:31,829
jiggled and the Thor explodes open and

1732
01:26:29,130 --> 01:26:36,510
he's like what and he sees us and he's

1733
01:26:31,829 --> 01:26:39,269
like what's up g-man don't give a

1734
01:26:36,510 --> 01:26:42,720
brother heart attack did you like your

1735
01:26:39,270 --> 01:26:47,480
basket man that was messed up did you

1736
01:26:42,720 --> 01:26:57,010
like it man I loved all that shit

1737
01:26:47,479 --> 01:27:00,259
[Applause]

1738
01:26:57,010 --> 01:27:04,219
and now ladies and gentlemen a story

1739
01:27:00,260 --> 01:27:08,810
that has been seven years in the making

1740
01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:12,319
I would like for you to now hear for the

1741
01:27:08,810 --> 01:27:17,600
first time ever the other side of that

1742
01:27:12,319 --> 01:27:20,479
story ladies and gentlemen I fooled him

1743
01:27:17,600 --> 01:27:26,860
here to Hawaii so that he can share this

1744
01:27:20,479 --> 01:27:26,859
with you give it up for my friend mr. G

1745
01:27:36,029 --> 01:27:54,869
I gotta be honest I didn't know it was

1746
01:27:47,310 --> 01:27:56,220
racist I thought it was lunch I didn't

1747
01:27:54,869 --> 01:27:57,359
know what rage until I got back to my

1748
01:27:56,220 --> 01:27:58,949
neighborhood and brothers in my

1749
01:27:57,359 --> 01:28:00,449
neighborhood looks for me they say man I

1750
01:27:58,949 --> 01:28:03,059
don't believe you let that Mexican guy

1751
01:28:00,449 --> 01:28:04,289
do that to you man that was messed up I

1752
01:28:03,060 --> 01:28:07,800
know you got him back

1753
01:28:04,289 --> 01:28:13,350
I said well buy him lunch I can't afford

1754
01:28:07,800 --> 01:28:16,920
to buy that man lunch if I buy him lunch

1755
01:28:13,350 --> 01:28:18,450
he'll be getting me again but you

1756
01:28:16,920 --> 01:28:20,909
understand it was the perfect set of

1757
01:28:18,449 --> 01:28:22,559
circumstances when it happened because

1758
01:28:20,909 --> 01:28:24,899
I'm laying across the bed in the hotel

1759
01:28:22,560 --> 01:28:26,190
I'd never been to Fresno before and I

1760
01:28:24,899 --> 01:28:27,389
wanted something to eat and I didn't

1761
01:28:26,189 --> 01:28:28,649
know where to go eat so I'm laying

1762
01:28:27,390 --> 01:28:31,050
across the bed and I'm saying to myself

1763
01:28:28,649 --> 01:28:33,500
where can I go eat I wish I had some

1764
01:28:31,050 --> 01:28:36,180
food and all of a sudden magically

1765
01:28:33,500 --> 01:28:39,000
there's a knock on the door and a black

1766
01:28:36,180 --> 01:28:40,350
girl shows up with a gift basket and I

1767
01:28:39,000 --> 01:28:41,970
took the gift basket and I said they

1768
01:28:40,350 --> 01:28:45,060
know how to treat their comedians up

1769
01:28:41,970 --> 01:28:47,220
here Fresno and I'm walking to the bed

1770
01:28:45,060 --> 01:28:49,050
and I can feel the heat and I can smell

1771
01:28:47,220 --> 01:28:51,570
the chicken from the gift basket not my

1772
01:28:49,050 --> 01:28:54,980
oh this is cool but nobody smells

1773
01:28:51,569 --> 01:28:54,979
chicken and thinks the racism

1774
01:28:57,310 --> 01:29:08,050
[Applause]

1775
01:29:05,310 --> 01:29:09,700
firstly I see the watermelon oh this is

1776
01:29:08,050 --> 01:29:14,980
cool they know how to treat a comedian

1777
01:29:09,699 --> 01:29:17,019
up in here I get to the card and I look

1778
01:29:14,979 --> 01:29:19,359
at the card and I go what the fuck is

1779
01:29:17,020 --> 01:29:22,740
going on I said oh my god

1780
01:29:19,359 --> 01:29:22,739
I'm working for the Ku Klux Klan

1781
01:29:28,569 --> 01:29:33,489
and I really I really started to panic

1782
01:29:31,539 --> 01:29:35,079
because in my head I'm saying to myself

1783
01:29:33,489 --> 01:29:36,939
is this for real cuz there were

1784
01:29:35,079 --> 01:29:38,920
billboards all over the city with my

1785
01:29:36,939 --> 01:29:42,579
picture and I started thinking they were

1786
01:29:38,920 --> 01:29:44,260
trying to scare me out of town so now I

1787
01:29:42,579 --> 01:29:45,640
don't know what to do right and I start

1788
01:29:44,260 --> 01:29:47,050
trying to call the promoter and the

1789
01:29:45,640 --> 01:29:49,270
promoters not answering the phone

1790
01:29:47,050 --> 01:29:51,130
and it's festering in my head and I'm

1791
01:29:49,270 --> 01:29:52,720
nervous and I'm pacing in the room and

1792
01:29:51,130 --> 01:29:54,789
all of a sudden there's a knock on the

1793
01:29:52,720 --> 01:30:01,510
door right now go oh my god they come to

1794
01:29:54,789 --> 01:30:03,399
get me so I ease over to the door right

1795
01:30:01,510 --> 01:30:06,820
and I look through the people right and

1796
01:30:03,399 --> 01:30:08,139
all I see is a brown dot right I hear

1797
01:30:06,819 --> 01:30:12,219
somebody out there cuz I hear the

1798
01:30:08,140 --> 01:30:16,270
breathing right I hear this was about

1799
01:30:12,220 --> 01:30:20,170
sixty pounds ago right so I gotta look

1800
01:30:16,270 --> 01:30:23,400
under the door right oh my god it gotta

1801
01:30:20,170 --> 01:30:23,399
be about five or six I'm about

1802
01:30:33,680 --> 01:30:38,119
so I figured like this I figure okay you

1803
01:30:36,260 --> 01:30:40,369
know what if it's gonna happen it's

1804
01:30:38,119 --> 01:30:42,319
gonna happen you know if it's gonna

1805
01:30:40,369 --> 01:30:45,109
happen I'm gonna go down swinging right

1806
01:30:42,319 --> 01:30:47,420
so I put my best black face on you know

1807
01:30:45,109 --> 01:30:49,219
why I tried to look me you know I look I

1808
01:30:47,420 --> 01:30:53,180
look like this guy right here I look

1809
01:30:49,220 --> 01:30:55,190
like that guy right there and I go who

1810
01:30:53,180 --> 01:30:56,510
is it and they go Chamber of Commerce

1811
01:30:55,189 --> 01:30:59,599
with me oh my god the Chamber of

1812
01:30:56,510 --> 01:31:00,380
Commerce is the Ku Klux Klan and I'm

1813
01:30:59,600 --> 01:31:02,539
panicking

1814
01:31:00,380 --> 01:31:04,520
so I get to the door right and I pull

1815
01:31:02,539 --> 01:31:06,439
open the door open and when the door

1816
01:31:04,520 --> 01:31:08,300
opens up these guys are falling all over

1817
01:31:06,439 --> 01:31:10,129
the hall laughing at me

1818
01:31:08,300 --> 01:31:11,510
they're rolling all into the cleaning

1819
01:31:10,130 --> 01:31:13,400
ladies caught the cleaning lady didn't

1820
01:31:11,510 --> 01:31:15,050
know what was going on right she scared

1821
01:31:13,399 --> 01:31:17,239
it cuz she sees a black dude with no

1822
01:31:15,050 --> 01:31:20,680
shirt like this so she grabs the lemon

1823
01:31:17,239 --> 01:31:20,679
plays like his pepper spray right

1824
01:31:26,819 --> 01:31:31,649
everything now that I realize it's a

1825
01:31:29,158 --> 01:31:33,299
practical joke everything calms down cuz

1826
01:31:31,649 --> 01:31:34,529
I remember that I remember how hungry I

1827
01:31:33,300 --> 01:31:36,029
was I'm like okay cool

1828
01:31:34,529 --> 01:31:37,920
practical joke right so I go in the

1829
01:31:36,029 --> 01:31:39,539
bathroom to wash my hands while I'm in

1830
01:31:37,920 --> 01:31:41,940
the bathroom washing my hands I hear a

1831
01:31:39,539 --> 01:31:43,769
commotion in the other room right I go

1832
01:31:41,939 --> 01:31:45,598
back in the other room they're going

1833
01:31:43,770 --> 01:31:47,579
through the gift basket the maid is

1834
01:31:45,599 --> 01:31:50,480
leaving with the watermelon my team is

1835
01:31:47,578 --> 01:31:50,479
drinking my forty

1836
01:32:00,958 --> 01:32:10,038
unity to laughter painting thank you so

1837
01:32:07,769 --> 01:32:10,039
much

1838
01:32:13,500 --> 01:32:24,920
[Music]

1839
01:32:13,770 --> 01:32:28,920
[Applause]

1840
01:32:24,920 --> 01:32:28,920
[Music]

1841
01:32:30,899 --> 01:32:34,228
[Applause]

1842
01:32:31,170 --> 01:32:34,229
[Music]

1843
01:32:36,340 --> 01:32:50,659
[Applause]

1844
01:32:52,270 --> 01:32:57,080
thank you guys so much for being part of

1845
01:32:54,949 --> 01:32:59,809
this I love you and I'm gonna make you

1846
01:32:57,079 --> 01:33:01,519
guys proud this is gonna air next year

1847
01:32:59,810 --> 01:33:05,890
on Comedy Central and everybody's gonna

1848
01:33:01,520 --> 01:33:08,840
love it thank you thank you thank you

1849
01:33:05,890 --> 01:33:12,460
okay stop that thank you so much Rinat

1850
01:33:08,840 --> 01:33:12,460
love your bra I'll see you guys later

1851
01:33:15,289 --> 01:33:18,399
[Music]

1852
01:33:27,039 --> 01:33:52,988
[Music]